I have waited so long to make this blog and I am beyond ecstatic that I finally get to make it.

Before I get into the blog post I just want to point out that I do not support or endorse racism, discrimination, bigotry, or violence.

If you are familiar with the internet news, you may have come across a story regarding the H&M scandal where they posted some kids clothing of two children wearing sweatshirts with some questionable text. Tons of people were quick to jump onto the bandwagon of the racist card due to what the articles of clothing said in addition to the color of skin that kids had combine with which piece of clothing they were wearing.

Now there are some people who say that this is racist and others that say otherwise.

So the reason why people argue that it is racist is that there is a white child that says "jungle expert" while a black child says "coolest monkey in the jungle" and if taken in a particular context calling a POC a monkey is a racial slur while others suggest that calling a kid a monkey just means a kid that is playing around in a jungle like a monkey. I guarantee that if a white kid had been wearing the monkey version, there would be no racist card tossed out but because the other kid was chosen this is what caused the entire uproar.

Other people have even gone as far as to say the white kid is the jungle expert because white people dominate over POC. I see where they could pull that from however...

Interestingly enough, the mother of the child photographed wearing the hoodie was completely okay with it and took no offense. And I believe there is a divide on people who did take offense (POC and white people alike) and many who don't see the problem.

Where do I stand? Well, if calling a POC a monkey is a recognized racial slur then I can totally see why the clothing item could be seen as offensive. However, you would think that the child, the mother of the child, etc... would have stepped down from the modeling opportunity if they viewed it that way. And if the mother of the child model didn't take offense then perhaps "coolest monkey in the jungle" was simply a general statement to express being the coolest kid playing around. Kids are hyper and animated and they jump around and climb all over things up and down just like that of a monkey or an animal.

Do I think the clothing is racist? No, but perhaps maybe they should have switched who wore what or included various other kids modeling the same items in assorted colors or options to make it more apparent that the black kid getting the monkey one (or another phrase) has NOTHING to do with race, racial slurs, etc...

We've come to be so PC with our actions, our words, our motives, context, reasons, etc... that it feels like everything you say and do is a matter of walking on eggshells. It seems as though no matter how much you analyze or carefully select your expressions, you have to censor yourself down to every word in order to try not to piss off people.

Of course when it comes to these odd marketing tactics with unintentional messages based off of consume interpretation, they have to retract the items and issue an apology. If a person interprets something a completely different way than an item is or was intended to be and it goes viral to the point where the company is receiving global backlash, they get backed into a corner and have no other choice. They'll lose millions of dollars if they do nothing and they lose millions of dollars (hopefully less) if they do take action. Because in this online mob mentality no choice made will be good enough.

I personally don't see the clothing as racist because I see it from the standpoint that they're kids and they're having fun and goofing off. The only thing I would have changed is maybe adding other kids wearing the same phrases or have the black kid wear a different phrase to avoid this entire fiasco. Something I would suggest to companies and their marketing team is to have diverse eyes look at their products, advertising, brand statements, etc... and point out any discrepancies or questionable imagery, symbolism etc... that can be acknowledged, assessed, and improved before reaching a public eye. Because something you may not see as an issue could be offensive to another community. If your entire team of marketing is all white people who are unfamiliar of certain phrases, designs, etc... that a POC or sexual orientation, religion etc... might struggle with then being able to point out these details may prove difficult unless it has already been called out before.

A prime example would be the dove commercial where it shows several women stripping off their skin and because of the order of women it looked like the soap will cleanse you of your black sin and make you a white person. That uproar was HUGE. So we have this situation where companies feel like they are obligated to included diversity so that other races feel included and represented, which is GREAT. It makes me SO happy to see someone who isn't white take part in things and I hope as time progresses we can reach a point where diversity is so accepted that we don't have to point out that "this kind of person is never represented." Right now I think the two biggest types of people that don't get represented or recognized are Asian people and people with disabilities that are legitimately disabled. It irritates me when an actor who isn't wheel chair bound plays a roll of a wheel chair bound character. IF there were no qualified candidates to fill the role then fine, you gotta cast it to someone who can... but I think there are plenty of people out there with various disabilities or disorders that could easily play that character and be truly relatable to those who look up to them. But I kind of got on a different tangent there, woops.

But with this Dove commercial they did right by showing various diverse women but they screwed up in the public's eye because of the order of operations in which they show the black woman phasing into a white woman. And it could have been 100% coincidence that it happened and maybe to the director, the producer, the actors, writers, etc... this wasn't an issue in the foreground of their minds because the message is: dove soap is great, it will make all women feel clean and beautiful. But society is eager to launch their pitchforks at anything and so if you do a before/after segment and the before is an average black woman and the after is a super confident white woman, the mob will latch onto it like vultures and rip the company apart.

So dear companies and marketing departments, keep up with the diversity in your content but please have other sets of eyes truly critique what you put out before it's too late. I think if you listen to my advice, your consumers will be happier and your companies will not have to play clean up as much.

So now that we have a few examples of what not to do as a company, let's talk about what not to do as a consumer.

I think it is really great that people care about things enough to stand up for them to inspire changes in their communities. I'm lazy so I don't go to protests, I don't go to meetings, and public councils and political events, etc... I'm a horrible citizen. I obey the law, I pay taxes, but I don't really look into or care much about everything. I go to work and I come home and relax. And I thank the hard working people in our military and in our country that have made the US a place where I have that freedom. I do not take it for granted and I'm not here to shitpost on our country. I just don't have passion for anything enough to leave my house to tell other people that I agree or disagree. I do that on the internet because if the SJW's can I can, too. I'll be the first to admit that I am ignorant in many ways. It's part of being a learning and growing human.

So when it comes to problems that exist in our world and community driven events of support or protest, I think it can be very beneficial to a cause or very harmful. That outcome is strictly based on where the arguments come from as well as the actions of those who actively participate. I know that the actions of a few do not speak for a whole but what I will say directly applies to people who are in the wrong but is a good guideline for all people to follow and to consider when they stand up for what they believe in and act on it.

Let us revisit the H&M scandal for this portion. So the problem that we've identified is that people are upset that H&M created some clothing that poses a message of racism projected onto kids. Parents don't want their kids promoting racism and kids don't want to be racist or treated poorly among their peers. So the basic solution is to just not purchase the clothing. If 50% of the people are offended and the other 50% are not then those who are offended should go shop somewhere else. Because we've established that many people don't think it's offensive at all while others do.

So H&M steps in and apologizes and pulls the clothing off the market so that it can no longer be sold. So the people who didn't think it was racist and/or didn't really care don't really get affected by it and those who did find it racist can sit back down and revel in their success. But the apology and the removal of the item was not enough for the mob.

Instead of sitting back and assessing the situation to see if more needed to be done  or if this action was good enough people rampaged into H&M stores and destroyed mannequins, clothing racks, clothing displays, articles of clothing, etc... So because of 1 article of clothing giving off a mixed message the world, a select group of protesters decided it was beneficial to their cause to act on the behalf of everyone to go into H&M retailer stores and vandalize their property and products.

So not only did H&M apologize and remove the clothing, but now they have to handle all of the damages to their stores and product inventory, not to mention the negative effects it will have on their employees. So not only did you go in and destroy a store and make yourself look like a rampaging asshole but now other people who are completely innocent have to suffer and clean up your mess. If you bought a coolest monkey in the jungle sweatshirt and you're upset by it then go ahead and by all means light it on fire while recording it on YT to express your boycott of the company. Go ahead and make a blog like me expressing your disgust for this kind of message being sold to consumers. Go ahead and explain that you are offended, why you are offended, and why things could have been dealt differently.

If you want to stand up for your beliefs and to inspire change to move forward to improve our world, CAUSING DESTRUCTION AND DAMAGE in the process IS NOT THE ANSWER. Causing harm to the employees and stores of the company, which if you need a reminder, are not in charge of the marketing, design, and decision making of the company overall, does not fix or solve the issue at hand. If you want to be effective, protest in front of the H&M headquarters if you care that badly. Make your poster in a big bold text and stand in front of their office chanting. If devoting your time and energy and money to travel will help you in your quest to inspire and receive change then by all means go ahead but do not do it at the expense of innocent people.

Protests that hold up traffic cause more harm than good for whatever cause is at hand.
Imagine the doctors stuck in traffic that are supposed to perform surgery on cancer patients and maybe those cancer patients are people you know and love and instead of that doctor being able to get to the hospital, they're being held up in traffic by you because of whatever pissed you off. I get it that sometimes you have to make big bold statements or actions to truly get the attention of people - but I think it is EXTREMELY important to acknowledge and question what your actions and words will do for your cause and who it may affect in a negative way. Sure you might get an extension to push back an important decision but to what expense? People dying? Losing their jobs so they can't feed their kids? Etc...

If what you're standing up for gets in the way of innocent people, I ask that you take a step back and truly ask yourself if it's worth doing. I think racism is an issue in our country and  there are most certainly times where companies or people of influence make bad decisions and there are other instances where it's an honest mistake while other times it is intentional and out of hatred etc... But going into the stores and destroying them over a piece of clothing is so childish in my eyes. Just make a youtube video, a blog, an instagram post, a tweet etc... to express how you feel. Do not harm other people that have nothing to do with it.

The actions of a few do not make up a whole. That applies to both sides of an issue.
The people that work for H&M and the people who stood up and said that clothing is racist, please remove it and please don't make anything racist ever again. To the people who voiced themselves peacefully and responsibly, thank you. To those of you who are violent, ignorant, and selfish, please consider things differently before jumping on an opportunity blindly or in a fit of rage. Also keep in mind that the people who were involved with the clothing are the ones to be questioned, not the innocent teenagers and adults that are just trying to pay their bills. The corporate level of a company is extremely different than the store level of a company. The people at the stores just do their job and do what they're told. The amount of decision making and authority they have is very minimal in comparison to the corporate side of the company. The corporate side is where the decision making is made.  So the next time you have an issue with a company and something they did or didn't do, please do not jeopardize the jobs and safety of the people just living their lives, take your problems to the company and the people responsible for whatever has your bunch in a knot. And when you do so, also do so respectfully. Because no only are you representing yourself but you are representing the people that stand along side you along with the people who support your cause from afar. And if you act irresponsibly towards the cause you fight for, it could have a ripple effect on everyone else.

That's why people roll their eyes at feminists and vegans because certain individuals in those communities have caused so much unnecessary trouble and harm for the causes they fight for that it has created a blanket of negative judgement and bias towards people who identify with those things and even though I mentioned earlier that the actions of a few don't make a whole, though few in numbers may have a big impact on the whole. So I know that feminists and vegans are not bad people but I also know that when someone gives off a certain attitude when they proclaim they're a feminist or vegan, I can't help but want to push  them into that category. So keep in mind that if you are the kid of person to rampage into the store and just go wild with destruction and violence, you are putting a bad label over people who didn't participate but supported your cause.

Treat others the way you wish to be treated. Treat things as if they were happening to you. Question your actions and morals. Question what is truly right or wrong or if multiple things are right or wrong. As soon as you think that you are right about everything I guarantee with a little digging and listening you will come to find that you are wrong about things and when you can learn to accept that you are wrong and not perfect and can see other perspectives, you can then grow and further your cause maturely and responsibly.

If you have a problem, I believe that it can be dealt with through words and actions but I don't think violence is the answer. I understand that sometimes violence is the last straw and it gets pulled but it should only be done so in times of defense if necessary for protection. But getting pissed over a monkey hoodie... that's not cause enough to bust down the doors of a clothing store.

As a kid I expected so much more out of adulthood and the years we're going through now. I'm truly disappointed with the kinds of things that pop up in the news. I've said it before, I'll say it again, I think God outta drop another meteor on this planet. Reset this whole thing and hope that next time life will go the right direction. Got people eating tide pods, got people filming dead bodies, got everyone getting sexually abused more than once, and everyone is a little snowflake that wants to whine if their coffee isn't hot and then wants to sue the hell out of the company if it is hot. Can't win... :(

During my school years growing up, I can recall many instances of simple competitions in class, different contests, as well as major sporting events, and public school events that all had a competitive edge or prizing system. In class it could be as simple as the class being divided by left side vs right side and we would debate a subject and try and convince the teacher why we came to our conclusions. The winning team didn't have homework that night or maybe they were given the option to choose a piece of candy or something of value. Our school would have an annual field day where everyone participated in very generic races, relays, competitions all centered around things that generally anyone could do with or without practice or previous experience. At the end of an event such as this, ribbons would be awarded to those who placed best in each category and their parents could cheer them on. It was a celebration of the beautiful weather, the community among the student body and teachers, and a light and fun competition against each other.

If you are generally active on the internet I'm sure you've come across the name Logan Paul in recent news. If you are heavily active on the internet then you definitely know who he is and what he does. For those of you who do not know, Logan Paul is a full time Youtuber with roughly 16 million subscribers (although that might be lower or higher at this point as it keeps going up and down). He makes a video every single day featuring his other YT friends doing crazy, wild, and fun shenanigans. Sometimes the things they do are generally fine and other times they crossover into extreme and irresponsible antics. The demographic for his channel ranges from children to teenagers and some young adults but mostly children.

I very casually watched Logan Paul when Vine was still active. When Vine closed down a lot of the Viners had already started a following on YT so I began to follow them on YT as I already spend 40+ hours a week on the platform. I never really got into Logan too much because his videos are just all over the place for me. Some of his videos are funny but I couldn't sit here and name one off hand. I remember him being the older controlling brother in the YT original series "Foursome" featuring Jennxpenn. I began watching the show to support her and recognized Logan by default.

So why exactly is Logan Paul such a big deal? Well he has gone under fire and rightfully so for committing a horrible act against humanity, respect for people and families, respect for cultures, foreign countries, and foreign people, as well as death. Being as big as he is, I imagine he constantly has to set the bar higher and higher. Finding viral and original content seems to grow more and more difficult as so many people have done so much already. I understand that people that high up on the fame chain that are built on a foundation of "shock factor" and 1uping themselves each time have to cross the line to maintain and increase the wave they ride. But how far is too far? Comedians and artists go under fire for jokes, comments, or art that they create that crosses that line of what society deems okay and not okay. So what did he do? Say a racial slur? Sexually assault an underage girl?

No, nothing like that. And while those things are horribly wrong and inappropriate, what he did falls under that extremely wrong category. Logan Paul and his crew took a trip to Japan. If you look at his Japan trip videos, you can clearly see the crazy shenanigans and antics that they perform on a repeated basis. If you think it's obnoxious, imagine how those innocent Japanese people feel? Some crazy whacked out young American man acting obnoxious and belligerent to a culture that is primarily introverted and non-confrontational. He can be seen doing things such as, dressing in traditional clothing and talking loudly and inappropriately at a prayer temple. Everyone else is silent and being respectful and he's yapping around like a hyena jackass. In another scene he is dressed up in a onesie throwing pokeballs at people including a police officer. And sure in the video it seems like the people aren't too bothered or maybe even just confused but according to Japanese videos discussing the topic, the people are in fact upset and bothered but because they are non-confrontational and toss the "foreigner card" to people, they let it go because Logan Paul will be gone soon enough and they can move on with their lives. But little do they know, that this is just the beginning... In another clip Logan Paul and his friends go to a fish market where professional chefs and businesses meet with all of the different fishermen and select the freshest and highest quality food to deliver and prepare for their customers. Logan and his buddies buy some fish and kickstart the engine to their antics right away.

For example, they hopped on the back of a guys vehicle and startled him. He was driving a vehicle and should someone be walking by and get injured or should he crash, can you imagine how bad that would have been? Later on Logan takes the fish they bought and they are screaming and walking around the busy area putting the raw fish in peoples faces, up onto the window panes of businesses all the way to the low low action of setting the raw fish onto a taxi and just walking away.

So you might be thinking - okay I understand that he is being culturally insensitive and disrespectful but how does this even compare to a racial slur or a sexual assault allegation scandal? Well, like many Asian countries, the suicide rate is very high in Japan. In fact, there is a forest called Aokigahara in the Yamanashi Prefecture that is popularly known as The Suicide Forest. It is called such because each year roughly up to 100 people go to the forest strictly to end their lives and this forest has been a place to go to for an alarming amount of people total. It is said that so many have died that the forest itself has a very chilling and haunting atmosphere. If so many people went there to end their lives for whatever reason that plagued them to go that far to make it end, it would not surprise me that such a heavy and negative energy would be lingering throughout.

Logan and his friends decided that going to this forest to "check out ghosts" would be a good idea. So they proceed to enter and walk through the forest and surely enough they chanced upon a body. Rather than doing what any normal and sane person would do, they decided that it was lights camera action time and filmed the body and themselves and their reaction along with some really tasteless jokes. This is why Logan Paul is under fire. If you come to a place knowing that many people go there to end their lives and you have the audacity to not only film them but to mock them and disrespect them etc... what kind of darkness resides in your heart?

So they film the body, make the jokes, and take a thumbnail pic with the body. They had the sense to blur out the face for "identity" protection purposes. So at some point during this thought process they DID care enough to protect the identity but all other responsibility was thrown out the window. So the "Logang" head back to the US all honky dory like nothing happened. They have all this footage and they go OH YEA we found that dead body so we're gonna get LOADS of views.

When they made the decision to go to the forest they should have had it in the back of their heads that there would be a very HIGH chance of finding a fresh dead body, a decaying dead body, or remains/belongings of a body that was once there or a memorial placed by the loved ones etc...

So venturing into the forest and just walking around, okay... fine, there's no harm in that.
Finding the body... okay stop. This is where it is screwed up.
Not only did they find the body, but they decided to film it.
Not a single person out of the handful that were there had a conscious enough to say, "hey maybe we shouldn't do this? Let's leave."
Or when they made the jokes about the the deceased someone couldn't chime in and say "guys this isn't funny, this is really sad and we should go..."
And then when they get on the computer to EDIT the footage after they have had time to process and accept what they witnessed and they STILL didn't have a conscious fiber in their being that told them "we shouldn't do this."
Are people THAT driven by money that they'll shit all over the world for a buck? Yeah... I  guess a ton of people are unfortunately. :(
And the people who "manage" Logan and/or his friends didn't have a shred of responsibility to say "hey guys this isn't going to go over well with the public, you should upload something else instead."
Was their only thought process, "OMG this is insane, I can't believe this happened, the viewers are going to freak out, we're gonna make history, this is gonna get so much views, we're gonna make so much money from this shock factor."
You're telling me out of the maybe 20 people involved, NOBODY thought to kill the concept before it was uploaded? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

So the video goes up. The world is outraged. The video goes down. Logan makes his sad attempt at an apology. Followed by a more convincing apology that is too late. Tons of people are upset by this and everyone is talking about it. He had the nerve to say that he uploaded to video to spread suicide awareness. I'm sorry but laughing at a dead body, making jokes about the dead body, and not mentioning a single shred of a suicide hotline or prevention info etc...  does not scream awareness to me. I understand that when people are truly shocked by something sometimes they can react with being speechless, emotional, or even laughter because it's just SO shocking that they cannot believe it is real and right in front of them but there's a difference between that anxious and nervous shocked laugh and laughing and making direct jokes at a corpse.

So what punishment did he receive? Well YouTube made an official statement saying that they are going to improve their attempts to prevent this kind of content from making its way to the site. They pulled his channel from their top tier of ad packages (which means less monetization from ads that play on his videos). They also cancelled his movie that was about to be released AND he was also removed from the Foursome show that has a new upcoming season. Is this punishment enough? No. This scandal did nothing to harm him because he is making so much money off of other avenues vs just his videos alone. Plus all of this attention, even the blog I am posting now, just puts his name out there and curiosity will have people look him up and check out his content and people on the fence could turn into fans despite the scandal. If anything, bad publicity is good publicity because it gets a conversation started and it spreads a name around like wildfire which increases fame. In my opinion, they should have suspended his account to probational status. Which would mean when he wants to upload a video, YT has to personally watch it and approve it before it gets published with monetization. As long as the video meets their guidelines, he can resume his channel like normal and if he uploads anything that violates those terms he will get 1 warning and if he violates the terms a 2nd time, his channel would be banned. Some might say that is harsh, but there's no way someone as powerful as him can understand the seriousness of the situation unless the punishment matches. I'm so tired of people making mistakes and then they go under fire, give a piss poor apology, go incognito for a few weeks and once society is harping about something else, they resume back to normal.

First of all, you should have the common sense by now from other people going under fire for things, to not follow in the same damn footsteps. Likewise, maybe have an advisor that can help determine whether or not something is okay or crossing the line TOO far. People are too easily getting a pat on the back after they pull out the "sorry :(" bandaid. Yes I think it is important to apologize. Own up to your mistakes, learn from them, apologize sincerely and do something positive to make a change that benefits towards that cause. For example, because of Logan's screw up, Jacksepticeye raised over $200,000 for suicide prevention.

Logan we can accept and live with the shenanigan videos that you make. I'm sure Japanese people can forgive and laugh at your pokeball antics, the fish market prank, etc... those are all things that don't have a serious side effect on peoples lives, a culture, a country's reputation, etc... but I wish you would have done your video differently. Here's how....

When you decided that you were going to go to the forest, I wish you would have started the video like: "Hey guys we've totally got something crazy planned today. Okay so there's this insane forest that we think is haunted so we're gonna go check it out." Then there would be so montage footage of you guys walking and heading to the forest. Then in a quiet voice you'd resume dialogue. "Hey guys so, we originally came to this forest because we thought it would be cool to see if it's haunted but something happened." And the video would get all serious. "So this forest is actually Aokigahara also known as the suicide forest and originally we thought it would be cool to walk around and see if we could find any ghosts or paranormal activity but because so many people come here to end their lives, we've decided to switch things up from what we normally do. Aokigahara is a forest located near Mt Fuji. We want to give a moment of respect to everyone who has ended their lives here as well as give our condolences to the families who have lost a loved one. We wanted you all to know that we love that we can make you smile and laugh when you are having a bad day. It means so much to us that as soon as you get home from school you turn on YT and come to our channel to watch what we do and it's thanks to you guys that we have this career and life to share with you all. But we also understand that life can be hard and sometimes we go through things and it feels like there is no way out. For some people, they feel this way so much that they want to die. If you are battling depression or if you have suicidal thoughts you can call this phone number if you live in the US and you can call this phone number if you live in Japan. We also wanted to let you know that all revenue generated from this video will be donated to [name] suicide prevention organization."

See how easy that would have been?
1) they could have avoided seeing a dead body in person
2) they could have avoided filming it, laughing at it, and uploading it
3) they could avoid this huge public fiasco
4) they could get positive attention but spreading education & a good cause
5) maybe they could have prevented people from contemplating suicide

When Logic performed his 1-800-273-8255 song on TV the hotline calls went up 50%. If 1 live performance can have THAT much of an impact on people who are in a dark  and unhealthy place, imagine what a YT video that over 16 million people could do on the long term.

Now go back to his demographic. The majority of his viewers are kids. Kids are super impressionable and easily persuaded. I would hope that the kids watching his videos aren't depressed or suicidal but with puberty, getting bullied at school, not fitting in, having any kinds of issues... this could have helped some of them I'm sure. It could have given them the courage to talk to their parents and open up about what they're feeling. Or maybe it could have shown them that ending their life isn't the only answer, and that they can get help and find other options etc... But even beyond that, why would you upload a video about a dead body to an audience full of kids. Why. Just why.

And the saddest part is, Logan Paul probably does genuinely feel bad now after it's too late. But he had plenty of opportunities to avoid this before clicking that upload button. I'm sorry but any normal human being would have been the bigger man and said "this isn't right we can't do this." That is how you KNOW he cares more about the money, fame, views, etc... especially because people will grab their pitchforks and move onto the next big scandal and he'll be able to resume his life with no dings or scratches. So YT did right by stopping his movie and tv show role but I still think more could have been done...

There is an extreme amount of responsibility that you have being an online personality especially when you reach 16 million+ people on a daily basis. I'm not saying you gotta be perfect. We're all gonna slip up and make mistakes. I've said and done things on the internet that I wish I could take back. Thankfully I'm not famous so I don't have an entire world up my ass, but that doesn't excuse what I've done. Everything you say and do as a famous person has an impact on who you are, the people around you, the people that follow you, and the people looking for dirt to end you.

I apologize for adding to the pot of people bringing Logan Paul up. But like everyone else, it weights heavy on my mind and I feel compelled to talk about it. I want to apologize to anyone who has ever lost someone because of suicide. I cannot imagine the pain you go through. I read a quote on Facebook once that said something like "ending your life doesn't kill the pain, it gives it to someone else." That quote has moved so many people who have contemplated ending it all. To the people of Japan, I apologize for the behavior of an immature American. When creators who are young get rich and famous fast, the value/respect/maturity tends to lack in my opinion. I am sorry that he disrespected the deceased, disrespected your culture, your citizens, your religious and ceremonial public areas, your professional and economical businesses and markets  etc... I hope that the people of Japan can forgive his antics and can understand that not all Americans are like that. To anyone who is a fan of Logan Paul or follows online creators as fans, feel free to enjoy the things that they do but please consider that what they are doing may not be right, healthy, legal, or responsible and you should never recreate or attempt what they do. For other creators, please learn from this and do not do the same thing.

To anyone who is in a dark and unhealthy place, I want you to know that there is a place for you and a purpose for you. I don't know what you may be going through but many people have survived what you're going through and I have faith that you can survive and find happiness too. You do not have to live your life a certain way. You should live the way that makes you happy. If you are not happy, let people help you find things that do make you happy.

One of the greatest features that humans possess is the ability to reason and think critically about things. We can discover and innovate and share our knowledge with other humans and constantly build up our empire as a species. We are always looking to explain everything in our lives with concrete evidence and there is a lot of controversy and arguments circulated around topics that cannot currently be proven with concrete evidence.

There are many things that exist to us that cannot be grasped in a physical manner. From things as common as emotions and belief all the way to individual molecules, distant planets and stars, and and the spiritual realm. All of these things can be quite daunting and often push humans into existential crisis. The biggest question of them all is probably a multitude of questions like:

What is life?
What is our purpose?
What is the meaning of life?
Why were we chosen to experience life this way?

These questions sound so simple but seem to be the most difficult of questions to answer.
I'm afraid Google can't help us with these questions nor can the most advanced science and technology. I feel that these questions are beyond words and the physical world. They seem like the kind of questions whose answers lie within yourself and things we aren't currently capable of explaining sufficiently.

Obviously we can use science to answer what life itself is. We have a planet sitting in the perfect range of temperature and distance from the sun. We've got the right molecules to form gases and liquids to support life in its most basic understanding and through time life has snowballed into present day. So in terms of explaining life and things that are alive is easy to do but explaining the "why" is where it gets hard. You have a large community pointing at the big bang theory to say THIS is what started everything and our present day is the result of that ignition. Another large community points at religion or God more specifically and say God(or Gods depending on how many they worship) is responsible for giving everything life. For me personally, I believe both to be true. I am a firm believer in the spiritual and the scientific. Both have their own flaws I'm sure but there is too much fact and evidence to disregard science and there are too many religions and Gods to ignore a presence of some kind. So rather than picking sides, I choose harmony. I accept both fields of explanation. I believe in science and God. And perhaps God is science. And perhaps science is a tool God gave us to explain his work. But let's move on shall we?

Purpose is a tough one. What is our purpose? As humans? Well, much like any other species the purpose is to survive right? But what about our own individual existence as the self. What is your purpose? What is mine? Are we meant to stand in a single file line and execute certain duties to serve a higher purpose or is our purpose to wander the earth and find our own structure, balance, and purpose? These questions are hard to answer. We have free will in the US so purpose is completely subjective but generally I'd say the human purpose in a functional society is to be self-serving and also serving of the society to promote and stimulate the society and the reward of providing for society is free time, money, and whatever makes you happy. But how can one find their true calling, their true purpose? Does it specifically lie in how you are raised and what social status you have? Or maybe its your skill and aptitude in the work field and how you are educated. Perhaps it is your geographical location or the economical demand. There are so many outlets to find a purpose or your purpose. So which one is right? Can there be more than one? Is it strictly based on what makes you happy or what is most convenient for you/society? I don't think there is a definitive answer for this and all the research in the word probably cannot truly answer it. I think it's 100% subjective. You can probably use science to guide yourself to what is best suited for your lifestyle and personality and you can probably use religion to seek guidance and inspiration to carry out your deity's will etc... but it's not like you are given a sheet at birth that says "Timmy is going to be a mechanical engineer. He'll probably work at Pizza Hut during high school and college but after 3 break ups and some traveling to 'find' himself, he will realize he wants to go to school for engineering and that's what he'll do."

There is no blueprint to where our lives will go and even if we map out a plan for ourselves, I can honestly say right now that where I am in my life is not at all how I intended for my life to go. It is not what I have dreamed and I am not satisfied. I yearn for more and something different but at the same time, I am also content. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I have no idea what my purpose is or what is best suited for me as a member of society, or my family, or myself.

The meaning of life isn't so concrete either. Why were we chosen to be given this opportunity? Does life exist elsewhere? Will we ever come to know other life forms who are advanced enough to communicate with us. Will they be more or less advanced? These are the questions that we are chasing. We are dumping trillions of dollars to explore other planets and outer space so that we can one day maybe answer these questions and build relationships and discover new worlds that can support life to branch out our existence.

So with all of these things swirling in my brain and not having any real answers for them. I've come to understand one thing at least. Life is what you make it. No matter how good or bad your circumstances are, you are in control of how you perceive them and how you deal with them. You have choices. For example, right now you can continue your path or start a new one. Of course starting a new one could either be better for you or worse for you and that is a risk/gamble one may take. But the point is that life is not concrete. Your path is not guaranteed or set in stone. It could be given to you or striped away from you at any given moment. A lot of us live in comfort with who we are and what we're doing. Some people plan for the future and others live day to day.

I think the life is much like a performance. I was inspired to write this blog by watching a Miley Cyrus performance. It wasn't the song or the lyrics that touched me, but it was her and how I've watched her career and persona develop over the last two decades. It made me further realize that we are not caged into who we are or who we want to be. We can be what we want to be at any given moment and change it in another instant. We are not necessarily contracted into our careers or our lifestyles. It is personal will and agenda to take the steps necessary to make those kinds of changes. Some are very easy to do and others require a lot of hard work, time, and money invested. Miley went from the country singing Disney star to a pop princess and rebel to a party animal adult experimenting with the world we were told to be wary of and is now humble and mature. She received a lot of backlash for her wild behavior but honestly, we all have been there and done that at some point. There's a point in your life when you're tired of being a goodie-two-shoes. We all have that urge to just smash something. To break the rules. To give the finger to authority and do what we wanna do. Some people express that in their music and fashion style and other people express it in their actions and lifestyle. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. But we all have to experience the good and bad to grow and move forward. Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga have both taught me that you can mold yourself to express different attributes to your personality. You will always be you, but an older version of you. And you can start and stop your style, your choice of words, your actions, at any given time if it's something you choose to do.

Life truly is a performance. We are all putting on a show for our own entertainment and for each other. We have an idea of what we want and we go after it. And we experience that internally and others experience it externally through observing our lives and being a part of it.

So if you're ever feeling like me and you feel that your life has gone no where and that you have no value or worth. We do. We do have value and worth and we need to move forward and try new things and find a calling. Take the things that make you happy that motivate you and squeeze the juice out of them to keep going one step forward. Whether you take one day at a time or you are building your foundation now for the future, it all takes a step forward each moment. Be who you want to be and who you want to be right now doesn't have to be who you want to be tomorrow or 10 years from now. Show the world what you want the world the see through your style, through your voice, through your actions, through your art, through your career, through your life. You don't have to be a celebrity to make a difference. The people who see you day in and day out will be majorly impacted by how you treat them, how you've inspired them, and what you've shown them in your life. Think about the movie reel that will play when your life has expired. Do the things you remember about your life make you smile? If not, find things that will. I want to live my life without too many regrets and so I think it's important to chase after the things that I want that will make me happy so that I can sit back and say I did them. And who knows, part of finding yourself is realizing that the things you wanted so badly are things you don't want at all. But you'll never know what works and what doesn't if you never try.

So put on your boots, get on the stage of life, and let the show go on!

If you are interested in playing, you may join through my referral link: www.marapets.com/refer.php?id=Kyrae

Hey guys it's Kyrae and today I am coming at you with a blog dedicated to my guilty pleasure, my ultimate pastime, my love... Marapets. So, growing up as a child I began frequenting forum sites, AOL instant messenger, chat rooms, video games, up to and including virtual pet sites. I think the first thing that comes to mind with the word "virtual pet site" is Neopets. But a lot of players have turned away from them because well their management sucks. They were ran poorly and bought out and the new owners were never able to really get a good hold on how to manage the site properly. I remember getting banned for the most outrageous and obnoxious things. So many players turned to Marapets or left virtual pet site communities altogether. Marapets recently turned 13 years old and I am proud to say that I've been a member since the very beginning. Marapets has evolved so much over the last decade and we are looking to reintroduce the community once again to new players. And I think now is the perfect time while we kick off our 2017 Halloween event!

The video above goes into a brief summary of what Marapets is about and what you can do on the site overall and for the 2017 Halloween event. I wanted to create a blog post for those of you who prefer to read and would like a more in depth explanation on  the site.

What is Marapets?
Marapets as I've mentioned earlier is a virtual pet site that is based on a social community where players can chat with each other, create and maintain virtual pets, collect various items and achievements around the site. There is a little bit of something for everyone.

Is Marapets just for kids?
I think virtual pet sites were originally catered to the child demographic but seeing that all of the children that grew up with pet sites are now adults with their own careers and families, a lot of the players go across the board. We have kids, teens, young adults, middle age adults, and elderly people playing. It's really something that all people can enjoy. On Marapets, just like the internet and on social media, you are in control of what you want to share with people online. If you want to be a certain persona you can be and having that anonymity and freedom of expression is really good for people who wish to remain private about their personal lives, introverts or people who are shy and have a hard time making friends, or people who feel insecure in the real world but can gain a new platform of confidence online. There are people all over the world in almost 100 countries that play!

What do I do on Marapets?
What you do ultimately depends on what interests you. There are so many things that you can do on the site that honestly I could make an entire video/blog series just for that. But to give you a brief idea of what there is to do, well... you'll see.

Pets - the most obvious thing is to create pets. Most people spend their time working on goals to make their pets the desired color or costume that they want for that pet. There are  thousands of costume/colors and many many pet species to choose from. Some are easy and default while others are retired, limited edition, or hard to get. Pets can be trained and statted in the gym, elite gym, olympics, school, university, temple, etc... to help your pet get a job or reach specific goals or achievements that allow you to further acquire those hard to get items.

Dolls - You can dress up a doll to express yourself and your own style or as an original character, a cosplay, or anything else you want to be. The dolls are probably a favorite feature of the site because it's displayed on your player profile and on your forum posts.

Chatting - A lot of players like to chat with other players. Communication is a great way to pass the time. Especially if you are in need of help and other players have items or resources that can help you out. One thing I really like about Marapets is the kindness of the community. A lot of players are wealthy veterans who are more than happy to help new players become well adjusted and better off on the site.

Collections - Players love to collect avatars, minipets, pets, costumes, trading cards, glowing eggs, plushies, photos, plates, stamps, dvds, cds, books, gourmet foods, etc... so there are tons of prizes to earn to fulfill those collections and you get prizes for completion those collections as well.

Games - A lot of the features on the site are various games. We have flash games, text based games, luck games, free games, points to play games, daily games, hourly games, games that can be played every few minutes. We even have bingo for all of you bingo lovers. There are a lot of features on the site that allow you to earn currency and prizes.

Events - With every holiday/season there are special events that draw in all of the players during their downtime. This is a time of year where special games and features are released with new and exclusive prizes that retire and become unavailable forever. So now is the perfect time to join because the Halloween event just started and you can take advantage of earning a lot of cool prizes and items.

What do I do for the Halloween event?
There are many different features that are released for Halloween. Check them out below.

Pumpkin Hunt - The most sought out event is the Pumpkin hunt where Pumpkins will randomly spawn on your screen and you click them to gain MP or prizes. The players who collect the most pumpkins will receive very generous prizes and the players beneath them can also win prizes, but the prize reward decreases the further down you go.

Pumpkin of Gold - There is a spot called Pot of Gold that turns into the Pumpkin of Gold during Halloween where players can only donate Halloween items. On the exact minute of every minute, there's a chance for Halloween items to automatically spawn in there. Players can click an item and take it for free once every 10 minutes.

Beelzebub - Beelzebub is our beloved and troublesome devil that goes around Marapets causing trouble on the forums and sends prizes to players who post on the topics and actively participate in Halloween by dressing up and chatting.

Auction Alien - The Auction alien spits out a bunch of auctions for players to bid on to win new and valuable items. The items start out at 1mp (the cheapest of cheap) and players vigorously bid over each other 1mp at a time to snag one of these items dirt cheap. When a player wins an item, there is a minimum wait time of 1 hr before they are eligible to bid again on another item.

Elger Trick or Treat - Elger of the Haunted House is normally a crystal giving witch but on Halloween she turns into a Trick or Treat where your pet (if dressed up in an appropriate costume) can visit her to trick or treat. You can score some neat prizes every 15 or 20 minutes depending on your costume.

Character Trick or Treat - If your doll is wearing a participating costume, you can click on player profiles and Trick or Treat them for a chance to win a prize or MP.

Halloween Snowman - Snowman is a quest that requires you to send an item to a player rather than to him directly. During Halloween he still operates but instead of asking for any item, you can only send players Halloween items and likewise, they will only send you Halloween items. Players who complete these quests have a chance to win special prizes and MP.

Account Upgrade LE items - On the Account Upgrades page, there are exclusive items that players can acquire. Account Upgrades or AU for short, are purchased using real money. Players  who do not want to spend real money can use their MP or other site currency to purchase AU credits from other players which in turn can use the AU credits to buy items off the AU page. This allows players to play Marapets 100% free and also allowing other players to use real money to acquire items or MP. During Halloween, there are a handful of select items that players can purchase for themselves or to sell that will retire at the end of the event.

What other events can I look forward to?
Marapets supplies all kinds of events such as, Halloween, Turkey Wars, Christmas, Valentine's, Easter Egg Hunt, Undying Festival, Summer Pool Party, Light and Dark Side Wars, Scouts Event, Annual Birthday Event, and so much more!

If you enjoy socializing online and you like collecting items and making goals for yourself and you have free time to kill, I think Marapets is a great place to enjoy your time. It's a site where you can do everything independently or you can team up with people to help each other out. It's free of toxic behavior and inappropriate conduct which is important so that this site can remain safe for all players of any age.

Keep in mind that players are limited to having ONE account only. If multiple players are from the same household or IP address and/or accessing multiple devices, simply state that on your profile or on your character blog so that the staff have reference. If you and your siblings, spouse, children, etc... play together in the same household you may not access each others account and especially do not make a habit of sending each other items or it may result in being banned out of suspicion for botting, multiple accounts, or cheating etc... I think if you want to send your family members items, it is best to contact a staff member before doing so just so that they are aware that it is a gift and not cheating. For all rules and T&C that is located on the website itself.

If you are interested in playing, you may join through my referral link: www.marapets.com/refer.php?id=Kyrae
Players who sign up using my referral link that actively play - I will send a prize to.

Even if you don't think this is right for you, I'd really appreciate if you signed up anyways. Each referral helps me out a bit so even if it's a throwaway account, I still get credit for your participation and maybe you'll change your mind and enjoy the site.

Thank you so much and I hope to see you online.
If you join and want to chat/be friends my username is Kyrae.

Sexual assault stories pop up more and more in the media as we progress forward. There is a bittersweet feeling tied to it. The positive to take away is that more people are able to find the courage to speak up despite the ramifications of being ostracized. The negative is that so many victims were never heard and there are so many instances of assault that happen every minute I'm sure.

I'm going to skip that statistics because we all know that anyone and everyone can be assaulted in some form or another at any time. Harassment and abuse is not limited to women, children, skin color, social status, etc... if there is a sick minded person out there, there is a victim and it seems like everyone around me has been a victim of something at some point in their lives either professionally or personally.

When the "#MeToo" began to trend, I wasn't going to get involved. Let me explain. I most certainly support and appreciate the individuals who can join in and share their stories and show support for other victims of this negative scar that weighs over the world. I personally did not feel connected to it though. By connected, I mean - personally connected in a way where I had something to say or share. Of course, I know tons of people who have fallen victim to these horrors and so I could show my support by being there for them, which I have been. To my friends who have been posting the #MeToo messages or posting their own stories, I've liked/favorited etc... to show my support. But there was nothing inside of me that felt compelled to share my own experiences until today.

Between the memes, cute animals, and delicious recipes, a large majority of my feed was devoted to #MeToo and the people I know expressing themselves. I sat in silence for a moment thinking about my life and how every woman in my family has had some instance of rape, abuse, molestation, assault, harassment, etc... at least once - sometimes on multiple occasions.

I admit that I took pride in being "the girl who didn't get raped" the girl who "didn't have an abusive relationship" and I'm sorry, it is a lie. I took pride in a lie that I convinced myself to believe but as I reflect on my younger years and childhood, I am far from innocent and whole. Even I have had my own share of nightmares. So I thought about what I've been through in my life and have repeatedly come to understand that I am extremely desensitized from what happened much like I am with most things these days. I am full of heart and heartless simultaneously. When I see a tragedy my two thoughts are "oh another thing happened" where it feels like nothing more than a scene from a movie. The other thought is me full of tears thinking "I cannot imagine what kind of pain these people are going through right now."

I have pushed these thoughts under a rug and have never taken a good hard look at them until today. I wasn't planning on making a post about not being a victim because I feel like that is extremely insensitive to those who are victims. Now is not a time for a pat on the back but rather joining hands and uplifting those who feel down and weakened.

While I personally do not feel like a victim and while I do not have any negative emotions or feelings about what happened to me. The more I look at what happened, the more I come to realize that I am a victim but I don't feel like a victim and I don't live or think as one. Perhaps all of this is subconscious or maybe I am so desensitized that it just has no effect on me. I honestly don't know, but I feel compelled to share my story. After spending the last week or so constantly telling myself I was not going to get involved with this, now I feel like it's something I should do for closure. I am not looking for any kind of support or pity. I'm just sharing this because I feel like it's the right thing to do. I guess it's my way of participating more than just a "I'm here for you" empty message.

So I'll go ahead and share what happened to me.

As a child I spent most of my years in Gettysburg where I played with all of the neighborhood kids in our development of townhouses. There were very few kids my age, maybe 1 or 2 at most. The majority of the kids were teenagers and college students. So while I was in elementary and middle school, I hung out with people twice and triple my age. If I were a parent and found out my kid was doing that, I'd probably be a little freaked out but I have always been more mature than my peers so to me it felt like where I belonged. Kids my age were way too careless and wild whereas the teenagers and adults were organized, driven, and secure in who they were and what they liked and that always appealed to me.

I believe it is natural for kids to become curious about their bodies and other peoples bodies and how they operate and what things are used for. I recall being very young and playing with one of the neighborhood boys across the street from me. For some reason we decided to hide in my moms closet. After moments of giggling and talking I remember the boy asking me if I wanted to see his penis and that he can show me his penis and I show him my vagina. And I didn't think anything of it. I was only 7 - 9 years old at the time. I was unaware  of the purpose and meaning behind my vagina. I didn't understand the importance and value that it represented for myself, my safety, my sexuality, and my place in this world. I don't know how far we got with it until our parents caught is in the closet alone together and we were grounded for a decent amount of time from playing with each other. Ever since that day, we never spoke of it again and nothing else happened. Around that same time span was another neighborhood kid. This time, it was a teenage girl. She was a troubled teenager with horrible parents. She smoked and did drugs, she vandalized peoples belongings and was just a horrible person and influence on us youngsters. I remember one day she was riding a skateboard up and down the street and at that time I was obsessed with skateboarding and bmx even though I wasn't allowed to participate. So the neighborhood girl saw that I was interested in her skateboard and she let me try it out and showed me how to ride it. I started to get to know her and realized that she was a lot of fun to hang out with. She never smoked or did drugs near me but I could smell the cigarettes drowning on her because I recognized the smell back from when my mom smoked cigarettes. The idea of her being the bad-girl of the neighborhood and that I shouldn't mingle with her slowly began to fade as she gained my trust. She liked the same things I liked from music to movies, to video games, to ideas about the world etc...

One day she wanted me to hang out with her. At that time a construction company was finishing up the final stages of new houses they were building up the hill. The model house was already furnished and the doors were left unlocked. Or at least I assume they were left unlocked. This girl was crafty though so it's possible that she picked the locks and broke into the house multiple times and just left the doors unlocked. She asked me if I wanted to go look at the house. I told her that it was not a good idea and that we could get in trouble and that we shouldn't go on other peoples property without permission. She assured me that the model house was not for people to live in, which that much was true. It was for show purposes and their office area but I was still skeptical about the whole thing. She reassured me that it will be fun and that it's beautiful inside and that it will only take a minute and they won't even know we were ever there. So little me gave in and went up the hill with her into the model house. We walked right in through a set of double doors that opened right into the master bedroom. She turns on the lights and showed me around the house and I remember how cool it looked inside. The furniture was very classy and elegant. It seemed modern but definitely catered to more sophisticated and elderly people. We head upstairs into the spare bedrooms and they were mostly empty. For some reason the girl I was with wanted me to go into the closet with her. I don't remember what kind of conversation went down but it led to her taking her clothes off and I took mine off too. Perhaps the peek-a-boo with the boy came to mind and so it seemed "ok" to disrobe since we were both girls. She was far more developed than I. I barely even had mosquito bites, just two little flat dots on my chest and she had voluptuous curves that were impossible to ignore. Her body was covered in hair that mine was completely missing. She encouraged me to touch her body parts and she proceeded to touch mine. I remember she laid down on the floor and told me to get on top of her. I wasn't really sure what the point was but I did it because I trusted her and nothing was painful and nothing "bad" was happening so it didn't seem like a big deal. She encouraged me to grab her breasts and rub my body back and forth on her. I don't think things progressed too far because we heard a loud noise from the front of the parking lot and it spooked her enough to tell me to get dressed and leave. So we got dressed and snuck out through the double doors and went down the hill back to our neighborhood. I'm not sure what the girl managed to do but she ended up getting hauled into juvenile detention and now that I look back on it, I'm glad she did because she was one screwed up person. If I had continue to hung out with her, I don't know what kind of things she would have encouraged me to participate in.

A lot of people have this idea that when someone is molested it's always an older man molesting a little girl or a little boy. But this girl was in high school. She was baby-sitter age. I wanted to share this to reinforce that anyone can be a victim and anyone can be the assaulter.

My second situation happened during high school. AIM was a popular messenger that AOL recently decided to kill off the internet. RIP chatting online. On AIM I had tons of friends from school, games, and mutual friends via online and real life. I was always chatting with people on there and at some point I met a guy who was mysterious and intriguing to me. He was an attractive intellectual who was way out of my age range but it turned me on so much. I was already sexual active at the time from previous relationships and after talking back and forth with the guy we joke around about meeting up. Now in my 16 year old little head I thought that hanging out meant coming over and watching a movie, eat some snacks, talk and laugh, maybe hit first or second base and go back to our lives. But to a guy of his age, low 30's, hanging out was what you call netflix n chill without the netflix. So I agreed to hang out because I had feelings for this guy despite how old he was. I have always been attracted to older guys and so to me it was like fulfilling a mild fantasy in a way. I was accustomed to hanging out with people in their 20's - 30's as a kid/teen growing up so being on a one x one situation didn't seem like that much of a big deal. So it's the week of midterms and I was home alone after exams and he had free time before he had to go to work. So after briefly chatting online, I gave him my address and he said he'd be over in less than a half hour. I got the doorbell ring and then the anxiety kicked in. I was about to let a 30+ year old guy, let alone a complete stranger, into my house, without my mom present and without her permission. I was breaking a million rules in one swift movement of opening that door.

I remember the panic settling into me when he said he was on his way to my house. I remember the sweat forming on my palms as I typed nervously during the online interaction. I remember picking out an outfit and putting on make up and using perfume and everything to make myself look and feel like a desirable person to be around. Little did I know the desire was turned up to 10. He greeted me with a warm and sincere hello and smile. The greeting relaxed me. We gave each other a tight hug that felt very homey and family like. The fears that I had about initiating the interaction melted away because I felt like I was okay and safe. I was in my own house and he wasn't doing anything bad. We made small talk for 5 minutes maybe not even and he put his arms around me like one would during a slow dance. I liked this guy so I tried hard to keep my cool and pretend that he was not getting significantly closer and closer to me as we talked. His hands grazed my body casually and he went in for a kiss and I turned away. He asked me what was wrong and I quickly blurted out that I had never done something like this before and that I was nervous and honestly was not expecting to be doing anything like this. He pulled away from me and we went back to talking until I was relaxed. There was a small spark in me that he ignited.

That carnal and sexual desire of wanting to be with someone sexually but my entire body was doing everything it could to block that signal because the situation was not playing out like how I had intended. I just wanted to talk and that was it. Sure, I wanted the touching and kissing and eventually maybe the sex but on the first meet up that was a no-go from me. But I felt bad because he spent 20 minutes driving all the way to my house  and he had to be at work in less than an hour so after talking for a few more minutes he made another advance to hold and kiss me and I gave in. I hit start on player 2 and gave in. But suddenly it was like my character was out of control. I was just getting to be comfortable with him touching and kissing me and he began to undo my pants and lift my shirt off and I had to stop him and pull him away. I told him that this was going too fast and too far and that I didn't think I could do it. He said that it was okay and that it will be fun and started over and kept going.

I grabbed his wrists and tried to pry them off me but he was significantly much stronger than I and I knew that he had a mission and there was no way I could back out of it now. So in the middle of kissing him and letting him undress me, I waged a war within myself to either raise my voice and potentially anger him or to put on a mask and be a sexual version of myself to please him and satisfy him to make this whole thing end quickly. I gave in and surrendered myself to him. Not even a few minutes went by and we were having sex. I can't count how many parts of the house he moved me to but I do remember that the sex was purely for his own enjoyment and none of it was for me. He never once tried to pleasure me or do anything for my sake. He was kind enough to finish himself on me rather than in me because I imagine we both were not interested in having kids. He was kind enough to hand me a towel to clean off. And as I was wiping the last memories of what happened off of my body, he said see ya and let himself out of the house and went to work. I got a shower and stood there under the hot water trying to grasp what had happened. It wasn't rape because I let him do it and I participated and deep inside of me where I had a crush on him, that part of me wanted this to happen but not on those terms and not how it played out at all. I was expecting our rendezvous to have more passion and depth to it. Not love or anything sappy, but I wanted a more personal connection with him before releasing my all to his presence.

I tried to wrap my head around the entire situation and then it dawned on me that he was just using me. He had no interest in me as a person, as a friend, or anything. I was simply just an easy piece of ass. And that's when I learned what a bootycall was. I still had feelings for him so I tried to mentally reinvent the situation in my thoughts and dreams to keep the spark I had for him brightly lit. But after we had sex, he talked to me less and made it quite obvious that he was not interested in me beyond hooking up so unless I wanted to give it up to him again there was no point in me speaking to him.

I can't sit here and say I regret it and I also can't sit here and say that these things damaged me. It's possible that they may have at some point but right now they're almost like scenes from a movie that only I have watched. I can't hate what happened because there was a part of me that wanted him to ravage me but because it happened in a moment where I was not ready for it or expecting it etc... it felt wrong in so many ways and I wish it could have happened on different terms. As far as what happened to me as a child I'm not sure what kind of effect it may have had on me. As far as my life is, I'd say I'm relatively normal.

I let myself believe that nothing had ever happened to me, that I was one of the lucky ones. But that's not true at all... I am part of the same shadow everyone else is under. You are a victim? #MeToo.

And it is so sad to see how many of us have had an experience with this.
What I can say, is that you are not worthless. You are not broken or tainted goods. You are not at fault for what happened. You were not asking for it even if you did have feelings or relationships with the people who did what they did. If you made decisions based on getting out alive and safe or protecting your career or advancing your career,  you were doing what you thought was the best decision for you and  your family/life at the time. I cannot blame people for giving in when I have done so myself.

But if you are someone who knows that someone is being sexually abusive or harassing people in your personal life or professional life and you look away from it, take this as your wake up call to speak up, to stand up, to support, and to progress forward from these sick and twisted horror stories. No means no and if it's not a yes it means no. And if it's not legal, don't do it because one day the world will find out and the aftermath is not pretty.