If you've followed my previous blogs you may be familiar with the fact that I am an adult without a drivers license and a major fear of driving. After years of building the courage to get my permit and years of practicing off and on and failing my drivers test once, I am so proud to say that I have passed my drivers test today and I officially have my drivers license.

Never in a million years did I think I would reach this point. It felt like one of those dark tunnel bridges where at first the opening seemed very daunting. The sheer thought of driving made my heart rate sky rocket. My palms would get sweaty and I'd begin fidgeting and overthinking and swallowing myself in an anxiety attack. Then one day I took a leap of courage and stepped into the tunnel. I took baby steps. I opened the drivers manual and began reading it and trying to digest everything. Months had gone by and it was time for another leap of courage, the computer test. 

Sitting in the DMV for several hours waiting for it to be my turn to take a computerized test based on the material in the manual shot my nervousness up so much. But I constantly had to remind myself that this was the easy part and that millions of people have done this and will continue to do this and I'm not alone in this struggle. I constantly remind myself that this does not dictate my life or who I am. I am more than this and I will overcome this and I will grow and move onto bigger and better things.

I passed my test and got my permit. It felt like a very small victory in what feels like a very long war. It's not that this is hard by any means. I know plenty of people who shouldn't be driving and they passed their test with flying colors. So if they can do it, there's no reason why my fear of it should get in the way. I took more baby steps into the tunnel with learning to do various tasks with driving. Then eventually I was able to drive somewhat comfortably. I still get anxiety and I still stress out easily but I can drive and navigate fine. 

By then I've gone through what feels like the never ending tunnel. We're at a constant speed, coasting with my permit. I'm practicing here and there. I will admit there were plenty of times where I slacked off and got lazy and would go weeks or months without practicing whereas now I try to practice every Sunday. Now I can practice even more once I get my car. In November 2017 I finally gained the courage to go for my drivers test. The big final battle and after weeks of practicing parallel parking and even practicing for 4 hours the night before my test... I failed the test. All of the work that I put into (and sometimes the lack thereof) felt lost and wasted. But I came so far and this couldn't be the end of my journey.

I fell into depression and anxiety that I was never going to pass and fell back into a slump of not practicing. I kept making excuses because of holidays, poor weather, my bf being on call, being too busy at work, etc... any excuse was valid to me to avoid the sinking feeling of potentially failing my test. But then I came to the realization that I'm never going to be more than a sad potato if I don't change my life or my thinking. Even if I did fail, I had more attempts to try again and I could keep trying for the rest of my life.

So I rescheduled my drivers test for July 14th at 9am which is the day that I am writing all of this for those of you who stumble upon this in the future. Last night I could not sleep at all and this morning the anxiety welled up inside of me as I got ready to leave the house. I was comfortably driving through Palmyra and when I hit the Annville area I got stuck behind a guy in a truck that was driving between the turning/passing lane and the actual lane and was swerving and most likely drunk or tired or something dangerous. The speed limit hovered between 35/40 in the area and we were easily going 20 because he was driving slow and careless and we kept our distance just in case he did something stupid.

That little incident made me anxious but I tried to relax and remain calm as we headed into Lebanon. We got to the DMV center and the instructor was already outside so we pulled up to the test area and began. The first time I took my test I had this very irritable and impatient woman that stressed me out during the signal check portion. When it came time for my parallel park I ended up hitting the curb and failing immediately. Part of it was because of my inexperience and nerves and the other part was her stressing me out and adding to my nervousness. I was so bummed for weeks.

This time my experience was significantly better. The instructor had a soothing voice and was very calm and relaxed. He asked me to sign my name on the tablet for the test and he noticed I am left handed. While my bf was getting his insurance/registration etc ready, the instructor talked to me about something very simple but was actually interesting and was exactly the kind of thing I needed to relax and feel comfortable. He told me a story about pens and how there are left handed pens and right handed pens and at 9 in the morning this isn't really something you'd ever look into or consider. He then handed me his pen and told me to hold it in my right hand. If you look at the pen you can read the text printed correctly but as soon as you switch it to the other hand the text is upside down and backwards. He said that was how you could tell if a pen was left handed or right handed. He found out about this from another guy who stockpiled left handed pens and loved to share this story with other people. Even though it is something we don't even think about, it is actually kind of cool and is one of those things that I'll somewhat be searching for when I see pens with text on them. This simple story and moment took away all of my nerves and I was at ease.

After the signal test it was time for the parallel park. This is where I failed last time but this time I did it perfectly. Any time I've gone to practice the parallel park, I always mess up on the first attempt and then I can gauge doing it better after that but I was relieved to have perfected it on my first and only attempt today. The road portion was not even a concern for me. If I passed the parallel park, the rest was cake. When he said the park job was good, I thought this is it, it's happening... I'm going to pass. We drove through a simple residential area and he passed me and I earned my license.

Inside the DMV is always a zoo of people. A lot of people were updating things on their licenses/permits and a majority of people were there to get their permit or other kinds of permits. The line to get photos taken was quite short. I was there for maybe 40 minutes total. It took about 20 minutes to get my number called at the counter and another 10 - 15 minutes to verify my info, get the photo taken, and get the actual license card.

I think we can all agree that the photos on our license are always tacky and horrible but mine is ultra terrible. But I'm okay with that. I will cherish this card forever even after it's expired because it's my first license and is a token of years of fear, self doubt, and overcoming the power the mind has over us. It is proof that you can do anything you put your mind to and that it is okay to fail because it is often our failures that lead to our success.

In the DMV I wanted to scream, shout, and holler about how excited I was that I finally got my license. I just wanted the whole world to know that after 10+ years of being afraid of driving, I finally did it. But everyone in the DMV has a monotonous look. Everyone is bored, tired, getting impatient, anxious, etc... so while I was a ball of joy wanting to burst internally, externally I had to suppress myself to mimic them. A bored and emotionless husk.

A179. I get called up and turn in my permit and a few minutes later I have my license in my hand. I immediately began to think of everything I currently do that I can now use my license for as well as things I couldn't do until I received a license.

I don't have to use my passport anymore to buy alcohol.

I can now fly on US planes with just my license (Real ID).

I can buy a car and drive by myself.

I can explore new opportunities like furthering my career, accomplishing other goals etc...

I have so much more power in my palms.

I'm not over all of my fears but this was probably the most important of them.

If you struggle with fear of driving or you reach a place where you keep making mistakes and failing. I promise you that it's okay and that if you keep trying you will see results of improvement and you will accomplish what you set out for. It is a long and tiring journey and I want to thank my bf for not giving up on me and sacrificing his time to let me fail and flop around in his car. 

The feeling of finally making it is a really great high.

And this is only the beginning for me.