Living & Being Completely Unprepared For Life & Death




As a preface to this blog I just need to know why I'm compelled to write this tonight. It's some heavy material so get ready because it's inspired by something very personal.

Okay so I'll begin by informing you that my mom is 57 and I'm 26. My older sister and her husband sent my mother to the emergency room last week because she had acquired over 42 lbs of excessive fluid due to complications from her heart and I'd imagine her kidneys/liver potentially as well.

She has congestive heart failure and they sedated her to reset her heart because the top of her heart was fluttering and she had A-Fib as well as a few other things. I'm not really familiar with the heart or symptoms etc... which ties into the purpose of this blog. So anyways, they reset her heart and put her on Heparin and I guess when they did the reset they got her number down to 81 from 162. However, the Heparin shot her back up to 142 so they took her off of that and put her on something else last night on 7/24/16. I don't know the name of the blood thinner they put her on but according to my mom it was not working so their next method of action is heart surgery. Once again, my mom wasn't very specific and didn't tell me what kind of heart surgery. But from what I understand the top parts of her heart weren't working properly if at all and the bottom parts were working over time and couldn't keep up with their job and the extra work thus retaining all of the fluid.

If you've been following my previous blogs you'll know that I grew up without a father in my life.

All I've ever had was my older sister whom you know I'm not very close to and my mom which I'm also not very close to either. I understand that many kids don't have parents and many people lose their parents at a young age so I don't expect anyone to throw me a pity party because this kind of thing happens all the time. I'm sure that most people in my position feel the same way when I say that I'm completely unprepared for the idea that my mom could die tonight...tomorrow... the day after etc.

Of course nobody is ever truly prepared for someone passing away but there are levels of preparedness/expectancy when it comes to death. For example, my grandmother has told us time and time again that she's ready to die and reunite with her husband. She's approaching her 80's and has had a full life of good times and bad times enough to call it quits. My mom however, is still fairly young. She's the oldest of my aunts and uncles and I can't imagine how difficult it must be for my grandma to cope with the idea that her first and oldest daughter could die before she will. As her daughter it's difficult thinking about my mom dying when I'm only 26. I had this fantasy in my head that I would be in my 40's or 50's when she would die and that's when my time to take care of her would start and finish. But in my 20's? That's rough... I'm still flailing around trying to figure out what living means and how to be an adult...let alone be responsible for another adult and potentially be in charge of their will and whatever happens after that. It's terrifying on many levels.

My boyfriend and I went to see my mom yesterday evening to surprise her. I didn't tell her that I was coming to see her because I'm spontaneous like that. Despite my anxiety being through the roof because I don't like hospitals or being in them and being around all of the tubes and machinery makes me 1000x more emotional than I would normally be not to mention I was still on my period at the time so the emotions and water works were in full throttle.

In my head my boyfriend and I were going to visit my mom in the hospital for an hour or two. She would tell us about her condition and what the next steps are and any complications that might exist. I had it in my head that the medication and the reset would make her good as new so that she could return home and continue her life as my mom and improve her health and diet etc... but as soon as we made it to her room number I could already feel my body doing this weird tensing feeling like all of my emotions that had been pent up for months were going to exclaim themselves in some manner.

I vividly remember turning the corner and breezing through her mostly open doorway and looked at her and she appeared to be sleeping or resting but the sound of us made her open her eyes and we both draw out our arms and embrace in a long hug. As soon as her eyes opened, between all of the cords and everything else that I had to intake, it was enough to cause my tears to flood over me uncontrollably. I could tell that despite her misery she was ecstatic to see me in her presence.

What kind of daughter would I be to ignore my mom in this situation when she needs me most.

We get to talking about what happened in terms of why she was in the hospital and what actions they already took as well as what they were going to do next. A few nurses and student assistants came in every few minutes or so to check on her and help her out with anything. Seeing that she is completely immobile right now she needs their help to use the bathroom. I don't know about her but if that was me, that would be so completely defeating. The idea of not being able to wipe yourself going to the bathroom would make me feel less than human.

My mom informed me that she had no insurance coverage and that a social worker came over to her earlier with some documents that needed signed and faxed away so that she could get Medicaid. She retired early from the state government and is too young to be eligible for the insurance by default but due to her state of health right now that somehow qualifies her for coverage. So when I moved out of my mom's house my uncle moved in to help her pay for the mortgage and so the documents my mom needed signed required his signature. So we drove 30 minutes away to get to the house to have him sign the papers, then 30 minutes back to the hospital. We had to have one of the nurse's copy the documents and then we had to have another nurse flag it for the case manager so that in the morning (today) they could get it out and fax it to the people so that she can get everything processed to get coverage, especially now that she's scheduled for surgery.

So selfish me was annoyed that I was playing gopher to get all of this stuff in order when I was just planning on visiting her after work then zipping back home to eat dinner. But then I reflected inwardly and was like - I have the rest of my life to eat dinner or do whatever else I want to do, right now my mom is in a serious time of need and I changed my perspective 180. Nothing else mattered but doing anything I possibly could to help my mom. The idea of her dying has me through a loop.
Now thinking back on it, it's like playing a video game where you are the chosen one and you are required to take on a very serious quest that can completely change your life. There are a few steps involved and it does require some time to complete but the effort put in is completely worth it. Unfortunately, the reward is not guaranteed but I am praying that it will be a success. Only time will tell.

This whole situation with my mom made me realize how unprepared I am for a lot of things.

For example:

School - I graduated high school like most people and I went to college for 2 years and got an Associates degree. Sometimes I think about going back and getting a Bachelor's but I have no idea what I want to do and I don't want to commit to something that I don't actually want to do.

Driving - I have a huge fear of driving which I finally got over this year and got my permit in the spring and I practice driving once a week except I didn't practice the last few weeks because of holiday/concert traffic and now my mom's condition. I'm not in a place where I can comfortably drive with the lack of experience I currently have. But I imagine if I could drive then I would have a lot more opportunities for many things in life.

Work/Finances - I'm not wealthy but I'm not scraping pennies either. If I want to go out to eat, I can do so as long as I pay my bills first. However, I don't make any money worth bragging about and there are many things I'd like to do that I'd be able to do if I made more money and in order for me to do so, I need the driver's license and/or more education probably.

Taxes - This is one of those things that I really wish we learned in school. It's something that follows you every year for the rest of your life and you either have someone you know do it for you or you pay someone to do it for you. I think this coming year I'm going to learn how to do it myself and see what I can do to save even more money etc...

Legal Documents - I currently don't have life insurance on myself. I'm not sure if my mom has life insurance on me since I'm no longer a dependent. I also don't have a will set up for myself and I have no idea how wills work. I have no idea how a lot of stuff works. I mean I know how to manage my bills and credit cards and I understand contracts and what not but if my mom were to pass away I have no idea what to do. Like how to set up a funeral, how to manage her assets, how to properly assign things to this and that. What do I do about her debt and bills and responsibilities. Is that forced on me and my sister by default or is it just magically gone? What do we do with the house and the mortgage or her car? I don't know what to do.

Medical Advice - If my mom were to be in a state of being where she can no longer make decisions for herself via medication or procedures and my sister and I were in charge of what to do with her "life" at stake... I would freak out. I have no idea what kind of decisions to make.

I have no experience with death. I know people die all the time. I know people who have died. But the only person in my family who I "know" died was my grandpa and I was 5 years old so I have no recollection of that other than some very vague memories of when he was still alive and/or the funeral scene. I haven't had enough experience or involvement with death to know what steps to take in order to prep for someone who could die or someone who did die.

I'm clinging onto my faith that my mom will make it through tonight and she will have the surgery and the surgery will help her condition improve and after that she will have to actively adjust her lifestyle to reduce her symptoms etc...

I'm 26 years old and I haven't completed things that 16 year olds have already mastered and have on the back burner. I'm so far behind in life and it really makes me feel worthless. I don't think I'm a disappointment to my mom but I'm a huge disappointment to myself. I don't want to end up being the same age as my mom and battling the same issues having no money or no ways to crawl out of my problems etc... it's terrifying.

This has truly opened my eyes on the changes I need to make in my life so that I can get ahead and get to where I want to be before it is too late.