So in January and February I experienced some odd things with my body.  This is something that only women will understand and experience. I've been getting my period since the day I turned 13. With that being said, my period has always been on time and regular. Never once have I questioned my feminine health until around 18 years old.  My periods were heavier, my blood clots were more intense and the cramping/pain was more intense as well. I always cast it aside as "this is what a period means" "this is how it's supposed to feel" "I'm just overreacting." But this January I had my period for the standard 5 - 7 days as doctors say it should be. But my blood clots, which are usually size of m&m's or skittles were now the size of walnuts and golf balls. This was not my normal. Perhaps my normal was never normal to begin with, but this was not MY normal. I was mentally, emotionally and physically freaking out.

Several people close to me told me that every now and then a female will have a really heavy and painful period. It's just something that the body tends to do here and there and that I shouldn't worry unless I'm filling up a pad with blood more than once an hour.  So during this time, I was filling up a pad every 2 hours but passing these massive clots every 20 minutes. I tried to remain calm and just let it happen as is. Mind you, this occurred on the day where I had to work from midnight to whenever I got done. And generally on this overnight shift, I work for 12 hours. So lots of bleeding, lack of sleep and paranoia the entire night. Eventually the clotting subsided and my period returned to normal and finished its course.

However, a few days later I got my period again. Another full on period. Not just spotting a day or two, a full week long period as if I didn't have the first one. The clotting was my normal m&m and skittle size clots. The cramping was minimal and the general lethargic behavior was normal for me. But yet again, I was freaking out because I already had my period so why am I getting it again? I tried to think of any reasons why this would be happening. At this time, my workplace was having a full inventory, which had me stressed. So when I put 2 & 2 together, I figured my body was being wonky because of stress. So once again, I ruled it off as something that didn't matter.

In February, I had my period almost the entire month. Now, I knew it wasn't because of stress or some anomaly. There was a reason that this happened all of a sudden. The first things that came to mind were things like cancer, cysts, pregnancy, STD's, etc... So recently I went to my doctors office and was tested for every STD known. I received the results and I tested negative for everything. It was a relief, but I didn't think I had an STD to begin with. But it's safe to check anyways. So then I took a pregnancy test and that too, came back negative. So that's a relief that I'm not pregnant, but then again, I never really thought I was pregnant because my periods come on time and I really haven't done anything that would result in pregnancy.

So here I am, STD free, not pregnant but concerned about my well being. On Thursday March 13th @ 2pm, I will be getting an ultrasound on my pelvic area so that the doctors can figure out why I am bleeding so hard and so often. I've already prepared myself for the worst, but I hope that my preconceptions are false. Perhaps I'm just having a weird pattern and it will sort itself out. But my other possibilities include cysts, fibroid tumors, cancer etc... if it is either of those things I will feel relieved and afraid at the same time. I am only 24 and I feel like I am too young to experiencing something so...harsh and detrimental to my feminine qualities. I have no interest in having children, especially right now, but if one day I did have the desire, my health issues could strip me away from having that option. If I do have some sort of condition or disease, I hope I am young enough for it to be treatable without too much attention being required. But  in a worst case scenario, I will either not be able to have children or will require surgery of some kind which would involve not being able to have children anyways.

If a doctor came to me right now and told me I had cervical cancer, or endometriosis, or fibroid tumors or would require a hysterectomy etc... and told me that if I wanted kids, I would have to try NOW, I would dodge the option. I'd much rather adopt a child who lacks their birth parents than to try and bring a child into this world at my age and state of being.

Often, I want to smash my ovaries into smithereens.
In a way, I almost want there to be something wrong with me.
I mean, I don't like the idea of having something bad happen.
But I guess I just want justice. I want some clarity that these feelings of being broken are true.
What if I feel broken and I'm not? Because I do.
Sex is horrible. It's not that the person I have sex with is horrible, it's just that the feeling of sex is horrible. How can anyone enjoy sex? You would not enjoy sex if you knew how it feels for me. I could go the rest of my life without having sex and not care a single bit. My boyfriend is bothered by that idea, but if he knew the way it feels and the pain I experience from orgasms, he would never want to put me through it again. I wish  I could enjoy sex. Everyone I know always talks about how great it is and how they crave it and for me... the concept seems cool but the physical labor of it turns me off. It puts a lot of stress on my self and my relationship. It's hard when you and you partner are bat shit horny for each other but one person is in complete agony. I put a mask on. I try to enjoy it as best as I can in hopes that maybe that time it will feel good it will be different. But every time I just clench my teeth and moan in agony, waiting for it to be over. Once I orgasm, I curl up into a ball and try hard not to cry from the ovary pain I experience.

I hope one day, sex will be amazing for me.
I just want answers.
I'm scared....
Why of all people did I have to be a broken one?