From childhood to adulthood we face and experience many things. Sometimes we develop fears about things we've never experienced and other times we develop them because of an experience. Sometimes these fears are minute and we surpass them easily and other times that trigger us in a way where we lose all rationality and cannot think properly and feel helpless. These kinds of fears can be anything and something that might qualify as very minor and childish to you could be mentally life-threatening to someone else. I can't even really provide examples because something that I might find not scary could be terrifying to someone else. Likewise, things that are totally normal and exciting for other people are terrifying to me.

I feel as though many of us grow out of our fears simply because most of them stem from the unknown realm. And other times things that we were never afraid of suddenly become things that disable us from functioning properly.

I experienced a deeply rooted fear of mine, in a completely irrational way just a few minutes ago which led me to wanting to make a blog about all of the fears I've built up and how my anxiety triggers these fears etc...

Fire
I love going to a good bonfire with a small group of friends. I also enjoy burning candles and incense. I love seeing the flame sway and dance to the currents surrounding it. It's calming and puts you in a trance. However, fire is also terrifying. Fire can burn and kill you. Fire is one of the largest culprits to the destruction of houses and personal belongings. I don't smoke so I never have any lighters on me and any time I light candles I have to use a lighter that has one of  those handles with the nice button and adjustment setting. Matches & finger lighters are a no-go for me because my skin is way too close to the flames and I just have this fear that I will burn myself. Not to mention, any time I try and use a lighter, my thumbs lock up easily because of my job and they cramp etc... so when I'm trying to push down on that little wheel to create the spark, it takes me a good 40 minutes until I can actually do it successfully and at that point I'm just like screw it - not lighting candles I guess. So the lighter I use with the handle, is soooooo nice. Thank you to the people who invented it. You saved my life.
I've never lived in a house that has burnt down but my boyfriend has lived in several houses that have burnt down and I've developed an irrational fear that because I live with my boyfriend, one day, our place is going to burn down, and everything I own is going to be destroyed. I try not to be too materialistic but in this thought cycle, I become so attached to my material belongings, it's not even funny. The thought of picturing my computer and my artwork being lit on fire makes me cry.
But I feel like being nervous of fire is a normal reaction so this is pretty basic on my list.

Belly Buttons
My boyfriend gives me hell for this all the time but when I was a kid I had this irrational fear that if someone put their finger in your belly button all the way when they pull it back out your belly will open up and your guts will fall out. So any time someone would try and tickle me or play some sort of prank towards my belly button I would FREAK OUT. I didn't want my guts to fall out! Of course, eventually I realized that my fear was pointless. At some point there was cat hair or dirt stuck in my belly button and I was cleaning it out and had the epiphany that I was able to put my finger or a q-tip etc.. into my belly button and nothing happened. So as a joke, when my bf is picking on me, he does the whole try and stick is finger in my belly button. Even though I know nothing bad will happen if he does, I still get kind of nervous because I just hate being tickled and picked on so it's more annoying than anything.

Rollercoasters
Up until age 5 I had loved rollercoasters. It's was a family tradition (until I was about 18) to go to Hershey Park every single year as a family. Picture a group of 20 - 30 people all mingling together. We didn't do that whole group shirt thing like you see schools and organization groups do. But I think it would have been cool looking back. Have our own custom shirts with our names on them. Awh. But anyways, I would always ride the rides with my mom or my grandpa. My grandpa was my favorite person in the whole world and he died when I was 5 years old and I gained a fear of rollercoasters. The rides that I had been riding my whole life suddenly become monstrous obstructions towering over me ready to claim my life the minute I stepped foot into the ride. Maybe subconsciously I wasn't scared of the coasters themselves, but the idea of riding them without my grandpa being with me.

When I was 15/16 I had gone to Hershey Park with my best friend at the time and she was really supportive of me not wanting to ride rollercoasters. Her family and I took turns watching our belongings while the other two would ride a ride. I would ride non-coaster rides but after the first hour or two I began having serious FOMO (fear of missing out (which I'll go into detail about later).
I had memories of riding the coasters and feeling the wind in my hair and my feet dangling. A flood of emotion hit me and I had this overwhelming need to ride a coaster but simultaneously panicking because I was terrified of them. My friend was reassuring me that I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do but that she would ride the coaster with me if I chose to. So we get in line and we're in line for a good 20 - 30 minutes and at first I was fine. I was super confident. I got this.

The we're much further along in line now and I start to get nervous and shaky. It was already a hot summer so I'm sweating due to the heat and now I'm sweating even more because of my nerves. By now we're at the gates. There's only a few people ahead of us waiting to slide into their seats. I'm trying to use the background noise of the theme park, the music playing inside of the building area, and random objects around the platform to keep me calm but I swear my heart was beating in my throat. We get into our seats and part of me wanted to jump out and run away but I did a silent prayer and convinced myself that I am better than this. That I've been on coasters before, I can do it again and that I don't want to be 80 and full of regrets because 16 year old me was being a whimp.

Before I can even get lost in my thoughts, BOOM the coaster goes off. The first 5 or 10 seconds were full of me panicking that I was going to die and then the rest of the coaster was me convincing myself that I was okay and that it was almost over. That fear began to turn around into joy. By the time I was sort of enjoying the ride, it was over.

Finally after years of sitting on the sidelines, I was courageous enough to face a fear and eliminate it. In that moment, I was full of so much joy and ambition that my friend and I were able to ride together the rest of the day.

Piercings
I didn't get my ears pierced until I was 16 either. Most parents have their children's ears pierced when they're very young but my mother didn't do that. Perhaps she wanted to give me the choice. Or maybe she didn't approve of ear piercings or something. I'm not sure what her reasoning was behind that because for the longest time I didn't care. For a while I never saw a point in having your ears pierced. I was also a tomboy who had no interest in fashion or design. I was ok with a t shirt and sweat pants. But eventually as I got into gaming and such, I found really cool swag that I wanted. I found these adorable earrings but I couldn't wear them because I didn't have my ears pierced. I was probably 12 or 13 at the time. I wanted my ears pierced but I was scared to do it. I was mostly scared because of the movie Grease when Sandy is at the sleepover and they use the needle and an apple to pierce her ears and she talks about the blood getting everywhere. I was convinced that this happened to everybody and that I was going to die. (to be continued...)

Blood
I think a lot of people are scared of the sight of blood. For a long time any sight of blood would give me a really bad stomach ache and I would get very nauseous etc... If I saw blood on my body, I had to look away and have someone put a bandaid on for me. After childhood, I got over that very quickly. If I saw blood on tv, I had to change the channel. And then when I was a teen, I got my first period. I had never seen so much blood in my life and it was coming out of me and I wasn't dying. What kind of sorcery was this! Between my period and eventually giving blood at donors & giving blood at doctor visits, I have eventually conquered the fear of blood and I can look at it face on and it doesn't even phase me. But boy did it take a while!

Piercings Part 2
So my irrational fear of piercings was tied in with my fear of blood. I really wanted to build up a better personality and style in high school so at 16 I got my ears pierced at a Claire's in the mall. I'm not here to discuss their cleanliness or safety or anything because I've heard good and bad things but I will say I had a good experience. I see this gun type thing and asked her what it was and she said that's what she uses to pierce the ears. I'm thinking in my head... why are you using a stapler instead of a needle etc... she went on to explain to me that this is a safer and more professional method etc.. and I'm just like okay whatever, I'm about to die anyways, so just do it.

She drew dots on my lobes and handed me a mirror and asked me if the placement was okay. And I didn't know anything about piercings and where they should go so I just said yes. I have no idea if they're symmetrical or anything but I would imagine they are okay. She then asked me if I wanted her to countdown or just do it no warning. I said, just do it... I don't want to know when you're doing it because I'm already panicking enough about the fact that it is going to happen and that I'm going to bleed everywhere. I feel this really quick pinch and then a slight stinging sensation and then nothing. I opened my eyes and asked her if it's done and how much blood there is. She laughed and said that yes it was done and that there was no blood. But then she had to do the other ear. And since I had already experienced the first ear, I was reassured that I could handle a 2nd dose of that feeling. I did handle it pretty well, but I will say that the 2nd time was way more uncomfortable than the first time. I think the same thing applies when I am plucking my eyebrows. The first side is fine, but the 2nd side hurts like hell even though it's the same thing. I would imagine it has something to do with your brain processing information and sending additional warning signals to the surrounding nerves and since they're already alert about the other side going through trauma, the other sides sensitivity is heightened therefore it feels like it hurts more. This just got really deep. You're welcome.

Eventually I got another piercing under my lip known as a labret. I loved that piercing so much but due to my most recent jobs I had to remove it because it goes against their dress code. Not to mention my bf doesn't really like kissing me when I had it in. He liked to call it my face shrapnel lol. I do miss the piercing now and then but 99% of the time I forget I even had it. The hole is still visible but completely closed. I used to be able to re-pierce it myself but it's been so long that I'd probably need a professional to pierce it for me now.

And funny enough, I never had a fear of getting tattoos. I was nervous around needles because of piercings but I can get tattoos like it's no big deal. It's crazy how you can be 100% okay with one thing and 100% terrified of something within that same realm. I know people who hate tomatoes but LOVE ketchup. It's the whole texture/consistency/process thing I guess.

Driving
As you know from previous blogs I am/was terrified of driving. When I was 16, all of my friends were getting their permits and licenses and zooming away in the cars and I really wanted to join them but my mom said no til I was 18. By the time I was 18 I had no interest in driving because I'd had gone so long pushing away the desire, that the desire just flew away and never came back. Eventually the concept of driving started giving me anxiety and stress and I am also really lazy so until this year (2016) I didn't bother getting involved with driving. In April 2016 I finally got my permit to get over my irrational fear of driving and it is now September 2016 and I am still casually practicing driving. I kind of accidentally threw my permit away when I was switching wallets, so I had to send in a request for a new one and once that comes, I'll begin practicing again so I can eventually get my license. If you'd like a full detailed version on my driving fears and experiences, you can read a blog about that here: Why I Waited Til 26 To Start Driving

Ice
I am terrified of walking on ice. I can do it, and I do it in the winter, but I absolutely HATE it. If I can avoid going near ice, I will. As I've mentioned in previous blogs, I have no problem taking a 20 minute detour to work to avoid ice even though my usual path to work only takes 3 - 5 minutes. I hate ice so much. If there is plain asphalt on the ground, I'll skip around to those or I'll walk on the snow/grass to avoid ice. It's ridiculous and silly, but I just hate it so much. I don't even know what I hate it other than not wanting to fall on it. I think I've fallen on my face/back so much from various things that I've just convinced myself that if I walk on ice, I am going to fall and when I fall I am going to fall face forward and chip my front teeth like I did as a child OR I'm going to fall backwards and break my tailbone like my cousin. The fear of walking on ice has improved over the years by slowing forcing myself to manage the ice issue. But it's hard to do that when it's only during winter and the snowfall has been iffy each  year. One time we'll get slammed with snow and other times we get nothing.

Pager Announcements
At work we have a phone system where we can page the other departments or people over  the speakers and for the longest time I was scared of doing this. I would rather walk across the entire building to deliver my 2 second message to you than to page you on that thing. Eventually we had to make required announcements and the people who were making them were either to quiet and not very vocal or they were just awkward and uninterested in what they were saying. I love to give speeches and I love talking online and in front of a camera so I knew I would be able to deliver messages effectively but my irrational fear of the pager system kept me from doing so. Eventually I was so tired of these monotonous drone messages that I had to get over my fear.

My requirements to get over this fear was to write down my announcement and practice it to myself several times. I would have to be in a room alone with nobody around me and I needed to time it perfectly so that I didn't interrupt a good song lol. The first few times I did this, my voice was a little shaky but as I got the hang of it I became a pro. Now I can page people whenever and however I'd like but when I do these announcements I still prefer to be in a room alone.

Working Vacation
Where I work, I am alone in my department and I am the only one responsible for the tasks that get done. If I'm not there, it doesn't get done. We haven't had anyone who is able to train under me to be my assistant or take place of me if/when I'm gone. If something bad ever happened to me, they'd be screwed, is what I'm saying. So with that in mind, when I take my vacation, I can't go anywhere far away. I have to stay local which really sucks sometimes. One day I'd like to go to South Korea for a few weeks, but until my work protocol gets improved or I find another job, it's not going to happen.

So this week Legion released for World of Warcraft and I planned my vacation around it so that I can get a nice chunk of play time in, while also recovering from being burnt out at work. However, because of my job, I still had to work on certain days.

So here's what my schedule looks like:

Date	Hours/Vacation
8/28	10am - 3pm
8/29	10am - 8pm
8/30	VACATION
8/31	VACATION
9/1	12am - 10:30am
9/2	8:45am - 10am
9/3	VACATION
9/4	VACATION
9/5	VACATION
9/6	9am - 6pm

So I am getting a decent amount of time off, but it's scattered. If I ever want to be able to travel long distance on my vacation, I'll need to find a candidate who can handle working my 10 - 13hr overnight shift on Thursdays. :(

But even if I ever did find someone, I have this irrational fear that because I'm gone, we're not going to make as much money, things are going to break and get ruined, and ugh... it's stressful. So I'd have to really put my trust in someone and try not to stress while I'm gone. I don't think I could enjoy myself in another state or country knowing that my work is piling up and nobody can assist me. It sucks because a lot of people can leave the state or country and there are 3 - 5 other people covering their work but I have nobody. D:

Marriage
I think this is more of a personal preference than a fear, but this does have some underlying fears attached to it. So my bf and I have been dating for almost 8 years now. The biggest question we get is when are we going to get our own place, when are we going to get married, and when are we going to have kids, etc... My mom was in 3 abusive marriages and the idea of marriage is just tainted for me because of that. I have this fear that if I get married, it's going to end in a divorce and my spouse and I are going to fight over who gets what and even though I love my bf and he loves me, when people get divorced, they turn into greedy monsters. Especially when there's a lot of assets involved and children in the mix. I've seen so many people I know get married and divorced a year later. I also know a few people who have been married several times and I'm sorry but if you've been married 5 times and it's still not working out then maybe you should stop chasing the ring and just live your life.
I honestly don't see the point in marriage. You spend money and you make other people spend money to join you in a ceremony to let them know that you love each other and that you're going to sign a legal document saying that you love each other. My bf and I think it's dumb. We've been dating for 8 years and if we got married today not a damn thing would change. I think weddings are beautiful and when I see proposal videos and such I tear up, I'm not going to lie. But that mush mumbo jumbo stuff just isn't for me. I have no desire to get married. I also don't like going to weddings. I don't like being in weddings. I was the maid of honor in my sisters wedding and my mom gave me no choice. It was a cool experience, but I would never do it again. My Uncle recently got married in NJ and we didn't go because we couldn't afford spending $200 on a hotel not to mention outfits and a wedding gift. My cousin is getting married in October and we're not going because of not being able to afford it and I'm also not too happy with my cousin at the moment so I don't want to go to her wedding. I'm happy for her, but going to weddings should be a casual and optional thing. Backing someone into a corner and making them dish out money is stressful and intimidating and I hate it.

My other cousin is also getting married. She recently just got engaged and their wedding will be next year I believe. My cousins are all younger than me and haven't been in a relationship as long as me and they're all so eager to slide a ring on that finger and call it a day and that's good for them but it's not for me. It's annoying because my family will ask us when we're getting married every holiday and I swear the next time my family asks the question I'm going off on them. I have an entire speech planned out in my head for when that moment comes. It fires me up so much. I'm done.

People ask me why I don't want to get married and the main reason is because I think it's pointless plus I also don't like the idea of signing a paper and letting that other person have the option to screw me over. People say - oh well you're just afraid of giving your trust to them and that's saying you don't love them. Which is a total bullshit line. You can love someone and not give them the freedom of owning your assets etc... I love my boyfriend but I don't touch his stuff and he doesn't touch my stuff. I don't spend his money and he doesn't spend mine. If things don't work out between us, we can go our separate ways without having to compromise our belongings or value etc... I think that marriage is about 2 people expressing themselves but how is that any different than dating? You don't need to be married to have a place together or build a life of memories. You don't need to be married to physically have sex (but if marriage is a requirement for your religion or morals then OK) but for me it isn't.

Pregnancy
I have this huge fear of being pregnant, getting pregnant, giving birth, having kids, raising kids, and everything that crosses over and into the entire realm of motherhood and responsibility. I have cats and it's already hard enough taking care of them, I can't imagine how much stress it would create taking care of a baby. I'm greedy and selfish. I only want to worry about myself, my problems, my responsibilities, and nobody else. I care about people and I'm willing to help people out and share compassion and understanding but when it comes to finances, careers, lifestyles, etc... I care about me and me only. My bf and I are together but we spend a lot of time separate. Our PC's are in different rooms so we spend time in different rooms. We spend a lot of time together as well. We have separate hobbies and separate lives and I like being alone. I don't have the commitment required to handle a child. The idea of having something grow in me is terrifying. The process of labor and giving birth sounds painful and terrifying. I'm not ready to sacrifice my me time play time to give my all to another being. I barely give my all to my boyfriend and he barely gives his all to me, how could we give our all to another person separate from ourselves. We're like two deflated balloons tied together flopping around the corner of the wall and the floor. We just can't do anything.

I'm not saying kids is 100% out of the picture. But it's definitely not happening any time soon. Besides I'm 26 and if I don't want kids by age 30 it's not happening period. Maybe adoption. But not physical pregnancy. No way. It sucks having a mom that is way older than you. I know some people who they and their moms are best friends and my mom is 30 years older than me. We have nothing in common and our lives are so different that we don't sync up very well. Getting pregnant at 18 is difficult but at least you'll be a younger mom for when your child grows up so you can have more in common with each other I think. My mom was 31 when she had me. She's 57 now and I'm 26.

But due to my recent weight gain I've hit an ultimate high. I was doing good on my diet/exercise and was down to 150 and I slipped over the last year and now I hit 173. Soda and donuts are killing me. I'm trying to get my weight down again but this increase of weight gain is really noticeable to me. I'm not sure if my co workers or family have noticed it but I notice it because sleeping is way more uncomfortable now when my fat settles. Sitting is uncomfortable because I can feel my fat rolls stacking. I notice at work when I am bending and sitting down. It's just uncomfortable. Some of my clothes aren't fitting as well and other clothes are fitting better.

But today I experienced a small panic attack thinking I was pregnant. I had my period last month and I know we didn't have vaginal intercourse so there's no way I could be pregnant but I had this fixation that I could be pregnant even though the bigger part of me knows I'm just overweight. And I couldn't let the thought fade so I took a pregnancy test just to reassure myself that I'm fat and not pregnant.

Good news is, I'm not pregnant. Bad news is, I'm fat. And I'm not obese like the majority of America but you could probably fit 4 asian girls in my body and still have extra room. I'm 5'5" and I hover between 160 - 175 lbs. That's horrible. My BMI is out of control. It's supposed to be 18 - 24 and mine is a 29. YIKES. So I need to reduce my sugar intake again, need to cut out the soda, donuts, and reduce the consumption. It's easier to not eat calories than to try and burn them off. So I think if I manage my intake better, and kick back into the exercise, I'll be okay.

I'm not feeling insecure because of magazines, social media, or outside opinions. I'm concerned because I don't want heart problems like my mom, I don't want to be the fat girl in my group of friends and I want to feel comfortable again. When I was 150 - 160 I wasn't perfect, but I was comfortable. 173 is really uncomfortable. No sitting or sleeping position is comfy anymore because of this extra fat. I feel like that's a dumb reason as to why I want to lose weight. So I can sit comfortably, and be fat and happy lol. But it's something to motivate me, so I'll take it. :3

FOMO
Ah, the fear of missing out. I think everyone experiences this but recently I've experiencing it at an all time high. So because I lack the driving ability, I can't do a lot of things. Most of the time I don't really care and it probably saves me money not being able to attend events and go shopping whenever I want etc... but there are times where I really get FOMO because I see my friends or people on the internet doing things and I want to do those things but I can't because of lack of transportation, money, experience, or my anxiety etc... Sometimes I get these huge spurts of wanting to be social and other times I have huge spurts of just wanting to be alone and anti-social. It always seems to be one of these things where I'll finally go out with friends and have a good time and remind myself that being social is good and refreshing. So I'll do it again but then I'll be bored or uncomfortable and remind myself that I'm just better off staying at home and doing the things I want to do. I think certain people in life are exhausting and even though you want to hang out with them you physically can't because they drive your anxiety through the roof. My family is a great example of  this. I love my family and I liked family events for a long time but once I hit 21/22 I started getting extremely irritable when I knew an event was coming up and that I was going to have to see my family etc... I barely stay at events that long any more or show up at all because my family is super exhausting and annoying. I'd rather be at home alone doing nothing than to be at a family event these days.

One thing I like about my bf's family is that they aren't really social. They'll have cookouts and such during holidays where a few people come over for an hour or two and then they go back to their lives. My family has EVERYONE come over and everyone is there for 4 - 9 hours each. That's exhausting. That was fun when we were all kids and we could play with each other but we're all in our mid 20's and we don't have much to talk about and if we did have something to say we can just text each other and move on with life.

I'm 26 and there's a huge list of things I want to do but my bf doesn't share the same interests as me on certain things and I don't want to do them alone but I don't have any friends that are interested in these things and it just sucks.

So instead of living life with regrets, I really need to get on the driving bandwagon so I can adult like a real adult and eventually improve my career so that I can actually do the things I want to do before I'm too old and decrepit. :3

What are your irrational fears?