Do you ever walk up to a group of people you know who are in the middle of a conversation and you catch enough of the conversation so you walk up to join in or just listen in? So you do that but as you approach them, everyone falls silent. Or maybe you make a comment that in most cases would be funny if anyone else said it, but because you said it and you're the outsider of the group nobody reacts? Maybe you join in the conversation and then the group ends the discussion and breaks apart and scatters off to their own tasks.

This happened to me other day. For the sake of respect and privacy, I'm not going to name the people involved or where they're from in my life. So there's a handful of  girls that I see and talk to on a daily basis. We aren't close friends by any means. We make small talk and we have each other added on social media but that is the extent of our relationship. We've never hung out in person, we don't tell each other secrets and giggle off into the distance etc...

From my point of view, it always seemed like we were really comfortable around each other to talk about school or work related topics as well as personal life topics like pooping, sexual frustrations, family drama, etc...  So these girls are talking about something. I wasn't around to hear the conversation but I noticed one of the girls was someone I hadn't seen in a while and wanted to say a quick hi and how are you kind of thing. I approach the group and before I could even say hi, that awkward silence surrounded us. It was as though whatever they were talking about was not suitable for my ears. I don't think they were talking about me but whatever they were talking about... they didn't want me to know. When it comes to personal information and gossip, if you tell me something that is sensitive and you don't want others to know, I keep my lips sealed. If someone talks about another behind their backs to me, I let them spew their poison, but I don't continue the chain. I don't like drama, so I don't start drama and I don't let the drama live. I think it's important to let the "victim" know what's going on if it's something that could hurt them or put things in jeopardy but for most petty small-talk gossip and slander, I let it die.

As I said, I felt instantly not welcomed as soon as I approached the group even though these were people I considered loose friends. So I said hi to the person I was interested in greeting and moved on so they could continue their conversation without me interrupting their personal bubble.

I totally understand having a conversation with someone and then some random person butts into the conversation as if they were there the whole time and was asked for their input. It frustrates me when that happens, especially if they interrupt you in the middle of their sentence. So when I approach a group, I'm always hesitant to speak because I don't want to impose that situation onto them. Generally I avoid that situation unless it's a conversation where multiple people are loosely spread out and randomly adding life to the conversation.

As I continued to go about my business it got me thinking about acceptance and fitting in.

As a kid I never felt like I fit in because the majority of my classmates had two parents and I only had one. They all were middle-class to rich families whereas I was considered poor. All throughout early school days my classmates were involved in school and extracurricular activities and sports and I did my school work and went home to an unfulfilling life. This was partially due to not being aware of the fact that opportunities and activities existed, as well as not having the ability to commute to these activities or pay for the costs and upkeep of them. As a kid I think everyone has their own form of not fitting in or feeling accepted. Your parents make most decisions for you and you don't really develop your own individual personality or style until you go to middle school and high school.

In middle school everyone is still misunderstood because we're all angsty and emotional brats who develop opinions, personalities, and puberty. Puberty is such an awkward thing because our bodies are changing and so are our moods etc... Between growing boobs, having a face full of acne, and carrying on the same pattern of the previous year, fitting in just wasn't a thing for me. It's in this setting that most kids develop their squad. Everyone grows up together in each grade and reunites the following year. I moved to so many areas and schools that by the time I managed to develop a friend I was gone in a blink. You'd think that being the new kid was going to inherit instant friendships and attention. The movies make it seem like the new kid is instantly loved or hated when really the new kid is just blurred into the background of all the other students who aren't popular.

In school I came to accept terms with myself. I was secure in knowing that I wasn't the most popular, wealthy, beautiful, talented, intelligent, and exciting person. I had a very small circle of loose friends who treated me like they treated each other but if something bad were to happen, we all knew that none of us could assist each other. We were all outcasts and poor kids. We liked the counter-culture of the 90's and early 2000's and while we fit in the same room together, we were still somehow all in separate corners.

Since my offline social life pretty much didn't exist, my online social life and presence became my life source. Everything I did from the moment I woke up til sleep was dedicated towards investing in my online presence. I was not famous or anything but the time people spend on a full time job is what I spent on the internet chatting with strangers and playing video games. In this time I finally found an entire community from all over the world who felt the same way as me. We all felt like there was this injustice and that we were misunderstood and underappreciated individuals who never fit into the real world. So the internet became this sanctuary for us and together we would embrace and worship the internet and spend our lives celebrating it and harvesting its resources to our advantage. While most people used the internet for school projects, we used it to express ourselves. Eventually sites like myspace, xanga, and instant messengers really popularized the internet and our community grew even larger. Because of that, not only did more content become available to us but the problems in real life followed us to the internet. Our holy sanctuary was now a cesspool of the people we grew to avoid in real life. The popular kids, the squads and cliques found their way into our realm and sucked up more people to glorify them while kids like me sat in the corner and found our own holes of the internet to linger. Even in those spots, I still didn't feel like I fit in.

Despite having my own group of people to talk to and understand the world with... they were still more exciting, beautiful, intelligent, independent, etc... and I felt like I was this underdeveloped loser who wasn't beautiful or exciting. As I look back on it... I sacrificed so much to feel like I was a part of something when really I was a part of nothing. As  an adult you eventually stop caring about the petty things that seemed to matter so much in school as an adolescent.

You realize that as an adult, people treat you differently. You magically gain this sense of respect and authority because the number of your age and your physical appearance has adjusted over the years. But even in this new hierarchy of adulthood, there are still people who shine at the top and people who flail around at the bottom. And despite these changes, I still feel like an outcast and a nobody.

When I began playing World of Warcraft 10 years ago, I thought "this is where I belong" and so I devoted my life to the game and to the people I met in the game. We were so closely knit to each other that we had each others phone numbers, email addresses, social media accounts, and we even made plans to see each other in person many times. I finally thought to myself "I have real friends" and these were people I met on the internet. Your whole life you're told that anyone you meet on the internet you can't trust because they're probably lying about who they are or they just want to harm you in some way. I understand that the internet is a dangerous place, but some of the most important people to me are people I met on the internet. People I met on the internet know more about me as a person than my own family or people in real life do. But even after all this time, those friends I have, don't even feel like friends to me. It feels more like distant memories or that loose friendship on social media.

On most days, I don't really care about having friends. But every now and then I'll see someone post that they did this or that with their best friend and they're ALWAYS together and they know each other as if they shared the same blood. They are so close that they can take a shit together and take selfies giggling about it. My boyfriend and I are comfortable enough to do the pooping thing together but we don't engage in selfie culture together or anything. I do that on my own...alone. Always alone.

If you look at every social media site I'm on, I guarantee that other than my baby pictures and 1 picture of me and my bf, every other picture of me on the internet is a selfie of me alone. And every photo is taken by me of me. Sometimes I wish I had that one person that I could get super close to and know that they have my back and I have theirs. Someone who I can spend time with and tell all of my secrets to and not feel ashamed or worried that I can't trust them. Every time I meet a person who I think could fill that void... the friendship never progresses to where I want it to go.

You know those encounters where you and someone you know get in touch and you have a conversation that eventually leads to "hey we should hang out some time" "yeah sure I'll hit you up soon and we'll set something up" but months or maybe years go by and that conversation is never fulfilled? That is the story of my life. So many times that conversation comes up and no plans are ever created. Perhaps creating the plans were never intentionally desired but maybe saying that is just proper conversation etiquette. Like it became so common as "hi how are you" and "lol" that the meaning itself  has no value anymore.

As a kid you think when you're older this "not fitting in" phase will go away.
As a teenager you think after puberty it will go away.
As an adult you think that the respect and authority you gain will make it go away.
As you continue into adulthood you realize every insecurity and scar from the past will always linger with you and while you pep talk yourself into "staying positive and look at the blessings in your life" you still can't help but look down at the things you wish you had.

While most people desire big houses, fancy cars, and large salaries... I honestly just want simple things. I want beautiful skin free from acne scars and these god awful large pores I was cursed with. I want to feel accepted and fit in not on a global scale or anything... I just want a small handful of people that I can call my "squad" for real without faking it. Will that day ever come? I doubt it.

I say this because I'm so used to being alone and feeling alone that even if I'm not alone, how would I ever know? What would I gain from not being alone? Is it worth it? Would it even make me happier or would it be stressful?

Do you feel like you fit in?