Depression and Anxiety

Depression and anxiety are things that we often hear about daily. Whether it's your family members, classmates, co-workers, or even just on tv, you've come across these words. Unless you are a person who deals with these things, you probably don't give it much thought or concern. I never pondered these things and whether or not I had them. What were they? What did they do? How do you get them? What causes them? Why do people deal with it? Is it serious? Deadly? Curable? These are all questions that you might ask if the topic of depression or anxiety surface in your thoughts. Especially if one day you realize you have these things, someone you know has them, or if you are told you have them.

Growing up, I've known several people who would say that they battle with depression and/or anxiety. From what I know there are various forms of depression and anxiety and everyone experiences and handles them differently. Some cases are very minor and fleeting while others are extremely detrimental to a persons life and well being, even to the point to drive them towards suicide, addiction, and everything in between.

How can you tell if you have anxiety or depression? Is it something you can diagnose yourself with or does it take an expert to observe your personality and behavior and say "yep, you have it!" How could someone outside of how you perceive tell you what you are feeling or experiencing?

As a kid, my friends who had depression and anxiety would often experience sad emotions. I'm not trying to turn this into a stereotype/label fest but these kids were classified as the loners, emo/scene kids, the outcasts, etc... These were the kids who had a small handful of friends, and by small, I mean you could count every one of them with one hand. Typically they struggled in school and had difficulty socializing. Some of them even had family issues due to abusive or alcoholic parents or feeling misunderstood and trapped in whatever they were dealing with. I think there is a tree involved in this where a person is dealing with a variety of things and some of them stem to and from depressing and/or anxiety. These things may be a chemical imbalance or a traumatic experience that triggered a sudden shift in emotion or behavior in a person.

What I'm getting at is...seeing my friends emit and describe how they felt inside outwardly, never resonated with myself. While they felt misunderstood, unappreciated, and suicidal...I felt like I had SO much to live for, but I just didn't have the means necessary to envelop or harvest those passions. Time, money, support, and confidence, were the things that held me back from what I wanted to do and be involved with. Meanwhile, these friends just felt like they were worthless and they were thrown into a world of chaos that would chew them up and spit them out just as easily as a dog with food falling onto the floor.

I always assumed that because I didn't associate with their problems or feelings, I was in the clear and I did not have depression or anxiety. I always felt that the world was a beautiful place despite the evil and darkness. I think there are great opportunities for everyone if you have the drive to get there through hard work or luck. I never really felt worthless or that what I was doing was pointless. I had dreams and aspirations but I always felt like I didn't know how to get there or what was involved to get it in motion etc...

We all experience sadness. I think the strongest form of sadness is the heart-wrenching experience of a relationship ending or a person dying. When you lose someone you love, it rips apart the inner workings of your soul and it takes a toll on every aspect of your life, not to mention a very long time to mend itself to a point where it seems like it never happened unless you reflect on it. If I were to draw up those powerful emotions of a bad break up or losing someone, even that extreme sadness and emptiness didn't feel like depression to me. It just felt normal. It felt like it was supposed to feel that way and even if in that moment I felt like my world was ending, inside I could admit to myself that one day I would feel better, things would get better, and if I experienced "it" again...I would be okay and that I could handle it...whatever "it" may be.

But then I got to thinking, what if that extreme event happened to someone who does battle depression and anxiety. How do they react? Do they react the same way? Do they react worse? What triggers these things, and why? What sets them apart from me? What if I am depressed but I can pull myself out of it and someone else can't? How can I tell if that is depression or if it's just a regular flow of emotion? How can you understand that of which you do not experience? Can you be aware of experiencing something you've never experienced before or what if you've always been experiencing it and your "normal" is depression for someone who is experiencing depression for the first time and your depression is like "WTF" to the world? It's hard to imagine.

You hear people say that their depression is just SO bad that they experience extreme pain and fatigue to the point where they can't get out of bed. For a lot of us, that's hard to understand because even if we are in pain or feel sick, we can still physically get out of bed. If you need to pee, are you going to lay there and wet the bed? Can you somewhere inside yourself find the strength to get up and pee? If so, why can't you get up for school or work? Why can't you try to experience the day? These are all questions and thoughts of a person who isn't going through what that person is going through. It's hard to understand that if never happened to you.

Likewise, for anxiety... I get nervous talking on the phone and making phone calls. I absolutely hate it. A handful of things making me extremely nervous or I'm slightly afraid of but if I have to do it, I can do it and the more I do it, the more confidence I acquire in the future when I have to do it again. So what sets those things apart from simple fears and nervousness to anxiety? Well, one day I experienced something and after I thought about it, I think maybe it is anxiety. Eventually over time I discovered other scenarios that make me feel the same way. But still, how can I be sure that it's anxiety and not just a simple fear? I don't think I have any phobias...well maybe this one thing is a phobia...but I'm not sure.

Let me tell you what I experience and perhaps someone can shed some light on what it is.
So if I need to make a phone call to my doctor, a family member, a chinese take out business, work, etc... I get nervous. My palms get sweaty, my heart beat races, I feel like my words get jumbled up. Now, I can give a speech in front of a crowd and feel nervousness from that but I can execute the speech flawlessly. I can hold a conversation with people in a group just fine but for some reason being a phone with someone I just...hate it. I avoid talking on the phone as much as I can. Now at work we have a paging system and I can make announcements over the speakers and I can also page my co-workers but for a long time I would refuse to do it. I would walk from point A to B just to relay a simple message even though it took 5x the time. Now, I can do those things without hesitation but talking on the phone remains the same. UGHHH. I hate it. This is the smallest of things that make me nervous.

Kids. Kids are everywhere. I was one, you were one, we know how kids are. Kids themselves don't really bother me, but I am terrified of having kids. They're loud, annoying, flamboyant, just all over the place, all the time, like an excited electron on crack. I can't handle it. This is why I could never be a teacher for children or a baby-sitter day care person. I can babysit kids and hang out with them for small amounts of time, but never could I take care of someone full time like that. I'll stick to cats, thank you. So where does my nervousness kick in? Well say you have something very valuable and a little kid asks to touch it, play with it, whatever... some people might hand it over and just tell them to be careful, for me...I will spend at least 10 minutes curating every possibility in my head of what that kid may or may not do with whatever the item is and my answer will depend on how bad the situations could get. Sometimes, I'll even avoid taking that thing with me, just to avoid the possibilities. For the majority of my life, I devoted 200% of myself to art. Everywhere I went I would have pen and paper, or art supplies of some variety with me. I would work on art at family events, school, public areas, you name it. There's always that one kid that wants to do what you're doing. They want to color with your brand new expensive markers. They want to see your new toy. And of course, you're taught to play nice and share. So one half of you is obligated to be like sure, we can play together and the other half of you is panicking on the inside because if that little fucker touches my stuff I will devour them. So one time you let a kid play with your markers and while you're delicately shading in a coloring book page, they're smashing the marker all over the place like it's some sort of weapon and you try to overlook it because they're young and they don't know any better but eventually you need that color. You pull of the lid to find the tip of the pen, smashed in slightly, frayed or mushed to one side. Another color is strained on the edge so instead of it being this vibrant red it's kind of maroon on the side because they mixed it with black. So the next time you go to a family event you recall this situation of a kid screwing up your marker and now you're torn. You want to work on your art but you also don't want this kid to do the same thing with these markers. So you either take them with you and work on your art and tell that kid to screw off and be the "mean kid" and then they cry to their parents who eventually persuade you to play nice, etc... OR you can avoid ALL OF THIS and just keep them at home. Is that anxiety? >_<

Well if that isn't..then maybe this is... So recently my bf and I were at a family event and he decided to bring an expensive Go board & stones that he purchased. We spent a few hours playing on our own and eventually some kids showed up and of course...they watched us play and they wanted to play. They have no idea what's going on but we're teaching them how to play anyways and these kids are being loud, noisy, running around. They've got their hands shoved into the stone bowls and they're grabbing mounts of them and we're trying to keep them from losing any of the stones while the kids are also playing (or trying rather) the game and one kid is drinking juice and has the can right up against the board and another kid almost gets cake icing and stuff all over the stones and board. And inside I'm panicking that one of these kids is going to destroy the board with a drink or food, or the stones are going to go missing, or something bad is going to happen. I played all of these situations in my head before we even brought the board there because I was so scared that something bad would happen but I took a chance and gave in and even though nothing happened, there were so many incidents that could have happened and my "anxiety" was through the roof, assuming I was experiencing anxiety.

My biggest scenario of experiencing anxiety which I think is probably the truest most real experience is so silly and embarrassing but it's just how I am. So, I'm afraid of ice. I'm not afraid of having ice in my cup. I'm not afraid of touching ice. I'm not afraid of ice itself...I'm terrified of walking on ice. Maybe I'm not terrified of the ice itself but more so the idea of slipping, sliding, losing my balance and ultimately, falling and getting injured. I hate it so much even if getting to work is as simple as getting from point A to Z ...if there is ice in the way, I will gladly go to A F C M L Q etc... and then Z if all of those points are free of ice. I hate ice so much that when I am forced to be on the ice, sometimes I will pick up nearby snow to sprinkle over top the ice so that I can walk comfortably over the ice. If that's not an option, I really hope you're not in a hurry because I will strategically plan out each foot step I make AND I will use a foot to test how "sturdy" that step is and how much of a chance there is of me slipping on it. If I feel any sort of change in my balance or comfort...I will stop dead in my tracks and panic. My heart beat races, I can't focus, my palms get sweaty, I begin crying especially if my frustration increases. I take a simple situation and a make a mountain out of a mole hill. When I finally get past the ice...I have to give myself a 5 - 10 minute "calm down" period before I can start working, or doing whatever I was planning to do after the "ice" situation. I love winter because it's cold and beautiful...but ice is truly my kryptonite. However, it's not impossible for me to do it. I can do it and I do it...I just reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaalllllly hate doing it and it will take me a year to get from my front door to your car if there is ice in my path. If someone waved $10,000 in front of me and told me, walk on this ice within 2 minutes and you get this money...I'd sure as hell be inclined to do it...but I can't promise I would be successful if I let my fear overcome my desire for money. Mentally I  can tell myself, yeah I can walk on ice for money...no big deal... but if there is a time limit involved and if the ice is severe...despite wanting that money, I might let a panic attack get the best of me...and it's really embarrassing knowing of all things to kick your ass, it's ice.

As far as depression goes, I don't feel like my moods every swing abnormally. I definitely sense a shift of moods when I'm on my period, but I think that's simply just an estrogen fluctuation and that's perfectly normal. Every now and then I do experience a week or two where I have absolutely no interest in anything. I have a decent amount of activities that I take part in and sometimes I just want nothing to do with them and if I pick up new ones, they don't satisfy me either...so there's just a brief of amount of time where I feel blah. Sometimes I wonder if maybe THIS is depression and just a very mild case of it...maybe similar to cabin fever or boredom but I don't know.

But looking at everything as a whole I would have to say that I don't experience depression but I do think I have anxiety to some degree. But once again, I think it's very mild and it's definitely very situational. A lot of people I know that experience anxiety, have extreme anxiety to the point where they either take medication for it or they have to do different exercises to calm themselves down and snap out of it....but phones, kids, and ice, are my 3 triggers of "anxiety" or extreme nervousness.

What do you think?