I've been told that dreams are just your brains incomplete thoughts trying to make sense of themselves to create a story of some kind. Other times it's your fantasies and ideas being virtually carried out because maybe you want them to happen in real life or it's physically impossible but in the dream world it is. Other dreams are due to stress, fears, and recent events. Whatever the case may be, my dreams tend to be very vivid. I've also been told that within 10 minutes of being awake you forget "most" details of your dreams. Perhaps this is a true fact, but I always tend to dwell on my dreams and the details of them while I get ready for work so by the time I'm at work or even at home at the end of the night, I can recall my dreams. Sometimes I can even repeat them or pick up where they left off. The downside to that is that when I have dreams/nightmares sometimes they look infinitely. Picture a 10 second segment of you doing something and that just repeats keeping you awake all night.

Well I wanted to blog a dream I had last night so that I can look back on it another time in the future. I thought about this dream while I got ready today to make sure I remembered all that happened so I could write it down. This dream is not something that has happened to me and probably never will. I would have to classify it as a dream that is related to recent thoughts, maybe past frustrations and emotions being cooped up or something.

When the dream began I recall being in a courtyard area with lush plant life and flowerbeds. Different floral life staggered up the courtyard walls. Different colors and scents were spread throughout the area. I remember the area being very large and spacious with a tile like stone work designed and cemented securely. There was also a little fish pond off in the corner. This courtyard connected to several buildings and each building had an opening to walk in and out. A large handful of people were sitting in chairs neatly lined up with a wide space down the center almost like that of an outdoor wedding type setting. Despite the scene being described, nobody is getting married. There is a crowd of people sitting patiently in the seats of these chairs. I remember everyone wearing their own style of clothing. Some individuals were dressed up and others were dressed casually. The chairs they sat on were white and wooden. They looked slightly aged but sturdy and hand-made. Everyone is facing me. I must have been on a case of stairs or a platform/stage type area. There was no mic or podium or anything. I was just standing with a few of my family members. I believe it was my cousins and a few of my aunts. I recall hearing one of my aunts talking to my cousins and I but her voice faded from my awareness because something caught my eye.

At the back of the courtyard a man whose face or identity I could not name off hand was browsing through the different flowers and plant life. It seemed like he was intentionally trying to avoid looking at anyone in the crowd or making eye contact with passerby's. This man had short curly brown hair, a groomed face though facial hair stubble was previously present. He had a button up shirt and a t shirt underneath, a belt, some blue jeans and those brown loafer shoes that men typically wear. I'm staring at the man and standing still at my location, overlooking the crowd.  I imagine the man sensed he was being watched because he hesitantly and awkwardly looked over towards the crowd and somehow manage to make direct eye contact with me.

A flood of emotions surged through my body at this point in the dream world. This part will require a little out of dream explanation. Okay so, my dad is currently in jail and I haven't seen him since I was a baby and I don't ever plan on seeing him nor do I want to. I have no idea what he looks like other than the very few pictures of him I've seen while I was a baby in old photo albums. I have no idea what kind of clothes he would wear or anything. So this dream is 100% fictional and I hope it doesn't come true. But here's what happened.  I have not seen my father since I was a baby, so I would have no way of knowing what he looks like, but as soon as I made eye contact with this man the essence of "father" and "dad" screamed at me spiritually. The feeling of shock and surprise flooded through my nerves, causing my heartbeat to become more rapid. My palms were sweaty and I imagine in real life my body was stiff as steel but I remained asleep. This feeling was quickly followed by heartbreak and sadness which was even more quickly followed by a deep hatred and disgust. With all of these feelings approaching me at once, I found it hard to speak.

I managed to gain the stamina to speak and instead of doing what a normal person would do like approaching  and greeting someone and introducing myself all I had the nerve to scream, was "FUCK YOU!" This loud curse was heard by everyone. Despite the warm buzzing of several various conversations clouding the scene as background audio, it is immediately muted by my outburst.  Everyone in the courtyard was now all eyes on me for a second or two until they noticed my eyes and an arm stretched outward with a finger pointed at none other, than the man in the back. By then, everyone turned their gaze to him. Some of my family members recognized him and the other majority had no idea who this person was. I took a few steps forward, now in the aisle of the chair section. Once again I shakily screamed "FUCK YOU!" My one uncle came up to me and stood behind me to have me embrace him but I stayed planted at my space. This man and I are maybe 15 feet apart from each other.

He looked aged but clean. He was dressed like your average middle-aged man as I've mentioned. Perhaps he was a businessman or was a representative or maybe he liked fishing and golfing and went to football games every Friday night. He looked like a good guy and he was my father. Everything in my being would argue otherwise that he was not a good guy,  that he was not my father, that he was not here, and that he would never find my mom and I and bug us. But there he was or what my brain thinks he was.

I began to speak to him. What was clear and concise was now broken and softer. "Why did you do it? Why are you here? How could you do this to us? How could you even show your face to me?" I had a million questions in my head as to why my father was here and why he was who he was way back when and why was he so calm and normal looking. He made a few steps closer and went to speak but I backed up like a scared animal, and felt the arms of my uncle reassuring me that I was safe and that this man could not do anything to me if he tried, however this man did not have the demeanor to be violent or harmful. I truly did not feel like I was in any danger, but because of what I know my father to be, I can only refuse his approach. Once again he attempted to speak but I interrupted him in an angry, scared and quite emotional rant about how much of a horrible person he was. I vaguely recall naming him a "shithead facefuck" amongst other things.  I also remember getting into detail about how I had to grow up fatherless and despite having a very supportive uncle, there was no way that the "void" could ever be filled or satisfied. I went on about how my childhood was broken because my mom was forced to play as 2 people and couldn't do all of the things we wanted to do either because of time, money, stress or just that my mom and I had different interests/values in things.  I made it very clear that he was a disappointment to me and somewhat of a monster and that he deserves to burn in hell and that if he were smart he would have never even though of coming to this place or trying to be involved in our lives.

Despite all of this negative energy dwelling in me, a small portion of me felt some sense of remorse or regret. Maybe in a sense, it was a fragment of forgiveness and curiosity. Shouldn't a daughter and a nice person be able to forgive someone and love them as is? I mean despite my father being who he is and what he does, is he still my father? I mean, his seed and my mom's egg created me. I am part of him. His actions don't reflect who I am or what I stand for but I can't help but feel nauseated to know that I'm related and was created by someone so foul.

Eventually I was sobbing so hard into my uncles hug that this man finally spoke. I wasn't directly listening enough to know exactly what he said word-for-word but I recall enough to be able to say that he said he was released out of jail and that he cleaned himself up and got job. He was moving up in the industry of his job and was able to get a car and an apartment and that he was on two good feet and was enjoy life. He said that the reason why he came out to see us was because he had found Jesus and wanted to share his joy with us. He wanted to show us that he was different and that he wanted to rekindle the family.

I think my physical body was too stressed at this point, because immediately after that I woke up in a sweat. I think I was a little teary-eyed too. After a few seconds of processing what happened, I flipped my pillow and turned on my side and went back to sleep to experience other dreams.

All day I've been trying to wrap around the meaning of this dream. First, I can say that the reason why my family was there is because on Saturday I am meeting my family for some birthday celebrations. So that part makes a little sense to me. The location and the meeting of my "father" did not make sense though. Maybe it was just years of pent up frustration, curiosity, hatred, sadness and such were overflowing and my mind wanted to make sense of it or reveal it to me. I never think of my father. Nothing reminds me of him. Nothing triggers that part of my life, ever. I don't understand why I had this dream or if it's a sign of the future or what.

All I can say is that I have no intentions of ever meeting my father or having him become a part of my life. I went 25 years of my life without him being in it, I can go the rest of my life with him being an unknown entity just fine. I will say that if he ever successfully gets out of jail, I hope that he can become a cleaned individual who leads a successful single life. From there maybe he will find religion or clarity in something and maybe start a family. All I know is that he has no room in mine. If he ever stepped foot in range of my family, he'd probably get his face smashed in. My family is not violent all though so maybe they would be loving and talk to him casually. But if he ever came to my job or stepped on my soil I would tell him to turn the other way. Fortunately, this has not happened so I'm not too worried about it. I just need to put this dream out there so that I can get it off my chest.